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TheWeirdcrap.com

Submitted in 2005

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Porno For The Lord
by
Rob Rosen


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It turned out she didn't have long to wait. She got her first idea on the set of her very next picture. In it, she played a door-to-door saleswoman, like an Avon lady who gave really great head, and right away she knew she had a way to act on the Lord's command. Porn flicks aren't based on strict dialogues like real movies. Generally, the actors are given premises and ideas for dialogue, but there's a whole lot of ad-libbing going on once the cameras start rolling. So Dolores pulled the director over to the side and suggested that it would be more controversial to make her a door-to-door minister that went around asking for charitable donations. That kind of thing had never been done before, she persuaded. It would be the first of its kind and they would be mavericks.

"Fine. Whatever. Just shake the jugs a lot," the director said with a shrug and then walked away.

Dolores was tickled pink. And when the Director yelled, "Shoot", she rang the doorbell and preached to the toweled man that answered. Oh sure, there was still all the sex and everything that quickly ensued, but this time when she shouted, "Oh God", in the throws of passion, she really meant it.

Aahs For The Poor was released later that summer and was an instant success. No one had ever thrown sex and religion into a porn movie like that before. It was salacious. It was controversial. And it was hot. Sunday school had never been so enthralling.

The press came knocking on her door almost immediately. The director, who was not the brightest bulb on the tree, failed to realize the ingenuity of the idea and gave Dolores all the credit. Religion was now newsworthy, what with the recent election and the rise of the evangelical Christians to power, not to mention a certain Mel Gibson movie. And Dolores was now thrust, for lack of a better word, into the forefront of a cultural revolution. She was, of course, pleasantly surprised at all the attention she now garnered.

"Miss Dunning, how did you come up with the idea for Aahs For The Poor?" the first reporter shouted from her front doorstep one morning when she was on her way to a shoot.

"Miss Dunning, are you a Catholic?" A second one shouted.

"Miss Dunning, do your parents know what you do for a living?" A third asked.

Dolores was, for an instant, thrown back by the barrage, but quickly regained her composure and answered the questions with honesty.

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