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I woke up choking again. Salty water inside my lungs. Yum. I think that
is probably the worst and best part about sleeping under the blanket of rain, it's terrible. That's just the first
adjective that comes to mind too…. I hate it. That is why I do it though. I hate it more than anything on this
uncomfortable earth. More than her. Waking up choking soaking wet. Laying there all the cold wet night until our
lord and savior morning comes along. Now I just lay there and feign sleep. Who am I fooling though? Not her. That
is always the fail-safe next step after choking. I could count my life on it. Boy howdy. I just lay there tricking
myself that I'm dreaming, dreaming about how much I hate doing this. How much I want to just die. How much I love
it.
The next morning the sun shines warmly on my naked ass. I'm butt naked except for a purple shirt. Hey, it's the
only way I can sleep. If you want to call it that. It's more like acting I'm asleep. Some play nobody is watching.
Anyways, I'm not a very good actor.
Psychologists say that reality is only what our minds make it. So I figure that if I get better at acting I'm asleep
I would be asleep. Then as far as I'm concerned I'm really asleep, right? I don't believe that though. I think
that could be a smidge of the problem. I'm too self aware. Not self aware like animals are not, but self aware
like dammit, my hair looks like shit self aware. You get the picture.
I look around forgetting where exactly I am. Hopefully it's a shithole. That makes me smile. That's how this theory/scientific
experiment/life works, one day my life is a loathsome trough of puke the next it's luxury. That's my balance, my
circle of life. The low to love the high. Sometimes you have to be kicked in the face to appreciate it. Sometimes
you have to die to be reborn.
I wish I would have known this earlier on in life. I thought just one day you woke up with all the answers and
all the happiness one man could ever digest. I thought one day I would just be happy. I figured acting happy was
happy. I know what it takes now. The secret to life. I'm willing to share it with the world. Though to know how
this truly works you must know how it truly works. The best example I know…. The only example I know is me. I am
my best autobiographer. This is the end of the end of the start of the beginning. This is how I died. The is how
I was reborn. This is how I became a fucking phoenix.
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