The Finely Dressed Pebble
by David Conway

Chapter One: How To Get Dressed Down

The Caramel

I think his name was Reverend Wakefield. He was from somewhere in Georgia and he drove a tan convertible (I forget the make). Anyway, this crazy bastard set up a fake adoption agency at his church. He would take these babies from their mothers and say he would place them in foster homes. He did this for about two or three years and then shut the operation down due to what he said was lack of funding from penny-pinching parishioners.

The mothers were calling him everyday to find out where their children had ended up but the reverend told them that the paperwork had burned in a fire at the church. They were obviously furious, but what could be done? All the while, however, the reverend has these thirty or so kids stuffed in a closet in the storage room of the church. He sneaks down there about twice a day and feeds them, but these poor babies are sleeping in their own piss and shit for Christs sake!

So, about a year goes by and all of the women who had given their children up for adoption get together and decide to find out whats really going on. Turns out that, in Japan, friggin baby-toes are like a delicacy or something. Those sick fucks pay like a thousand bucks a toe! They just dip the toe in some sauce and swallow it whole. Reverend Wakefield sees a special on Inside Edition about it and comes up with this adoption scheme. Rumor has it he was in some sort of gambling debt and needed to make some quick cash.

Anyway...so he was mailing out about 5 or 6 toes a week out to Japan and making a real killing. That fucking cocksucker probably never even would have been caught except, get this, he decides he needs to see what all the fuss is about with this whole baby-toe-eating craze. He goes down to the closet, cuts a toe off little Danny Hogan, and starts chewing on it! Well, I guess Danny has like a wart or something on that toe and, when Reverend Wakefield sinks his teeth in, the thing pops and puss starts shooting everywhere. He slips in a puddle of puss and falls. He lands smack on his head and is out cold. Now the Reverend is supposed to be doing the 3 O'clock mass and its about 2:00 when this whole fiasco goes down. All of the mothers who had given up their babies had decided to go to the mass to confront him and find out what was going on with their missing paperwork. At about 3:30 everyone in the church starts wondering where Reverend Wakefield is.

Being so anxious to meet with him, the mothers decide to go find him. After about 20 minutes they make their way down to the church storage room. They open the door and there on the floor is Reverend Wakefield. He's got Danny Hogan's toe in his mouth and the closet door is wide open.

I guess the screams could be heard 2 miles away when those women saw their babies (half of them toe-less) stuffed in a closet covered in blood, shit, and piss.


Part Two (A few blocks down the street from the church)
A Night at the Swiss Miss Hotel
(later that evening)
6:00 pm EST

Room 212:: The two surviving members of the Tom Selleck fan club trim their mustaches and cry.

Room 514:: Tom Selleck tries on hundreds of flowered shirts, yet none of them feel right anymore.


Part Three (30 miles away in New York City)
7:00 pm EST
Arrows, Hugs and Kisses.
William:: 3 years old, brown eyes.
Thomas:: 2.5 years old, blue eyes.

William is running down a crowded New York City sidewalk. He is carrying a Juice box and a loaded shotgun.
Thomas is chasing after William. He has a dirty diaper and a 9mm.


Part Four (Somewhere in Idaho)
7:02 pm
There Is No Limit to Love

Tony, Ron and Ed piled into my mother's brand new station wagon. The plan was to meet the girls behind the cookie factory a little past midnight. We took a left onto East Putnam Avenue and then a right onto Old Lighthouse Road. Ed took out his Bo Jackson rookie card and flipped it out the window. We all began to laugh. We were getting close to the cookie factory now. We pulled up to a red light at the corner of Wilson Street and Cookie Way. My stomach was starting to hurt from laughing so hard, but I realized no one else was laughing. They were all looking out at the car stopped next to us. It was a 1994 Geo Prizm with a vanity plate that read; BORULZ. There was Mr. Bo Jackson himself, still wearing his Raiders uniform, holding the tattered rookie card and weeping with his head on the steering wheel. He slowly lifted his head, turned to us and asked, "Et Tu Brute?"


Part Five (Location Unknown)
9:00 am, the following day.
More Irony

We used to play in a ditch behind the old shoe factory. One time Billy Thompson found a dead yellow cat and decided to light it on fire. The cat must have died choking on a mouse or something because as soon as Billy put the match near the cat the damn mouse woke up inside or whatever and started eating its way out through the cat's stomach. Billy looks down and sees this mouse come out of the stomach, with cat intestines and organs all over it, and he starts throwing up everywhere. I guess Billy must have eaten something earlier in the day that mice like, cuz the mouse smells the puke and jumps right into his open, puking mouth. Billy ended up choking on the mouse and was dead in about a minute or so. It's funny to think about now, but it was kinda serious when it happened. The irony was thick that day.


Part Six (A elementary school just east of Tulsa)
3:01 pm
A Ghost In A Satin (Satan) Dress

Jimmy Jones was almost 12 years old. He was what you might call a troublemaker. On this Tuesday afternoon he was, as usual, kept after school to clean the chalkboards as punishment for another day full of outbursts. His teacher, Mrs. Wilson enters the room. Her glasses rest on the tip of her nose and the heel of her right shoe is missing.

MW:: Are we going to have to do this every day Jimmy?

JJ:: Call me JJ! Dam you to hell!

MW:: Fine... J.J... is there anything you want to talk about?

JJ:: Yes (He pauses and looks down at his shoes). No one will serve me pudding.

MW:: And why not?

Jimmy pulls up his pant leg and reveals a prosthetic leg. A single tear rolls down his left cheek (ass cheek).

MW::(laughing) Well then, I have something to show you too. (With that she lifts up her dress and we see that she too has a prosthetic leg. The two embrace, then fall over as their fake legs shatter in the winter cold.


Part Seven (LA)
3:08 pm
An Interview with legendary Hollywood Squares Star; Whoopie Goldberg.

Q:: How has the backlash been since the recent launch of the Whoopie-Pie marketing campaign?

A:: Whoopie Goldberg:: (gets up and leaves the room)

Q:: Hahaha, well folks.. I guess you could say X takes the center square.


3:09 pm
An Interview with "The Price Is Right" host Bob Barker.

Q:: Bob, I myself and a huge fan of the "what if's" What if animals took over the world, started a gameshow and wore t-shirts with a picture of you having your balls cut off on it?

A:: (Bob Barker puts down his tiny microphone and leaves the room)