Fred The Dolphin
by Declan Kelly

Once upon a time, there lived a dolphin named Fred. He was a pretty jovial sort of fellow who spent most of his days whistling Aerosmith songs while trying to knock the local surfers off their boards. Life was good.

One day when Fred woke up he noticed something was different. It seems he had mysteriously evolved overnight, and had grown a pair of legs on his underbelly. After getting over the initial shock, he decided to show his friends the new development.

Now dolphins have extremely sensitive dispositions, and after being laughed at by a large crowd of his fellow dolphins, he swam away and decided to find new friends elsewhere. Swimming along next to the beach nearby, he decided to see what all the fuss was about dry land. Using his newly developed limbs, he walked slowly, and a little unsteadily at first, up the beach. He had seen people before and, as mentioned previously, enjoyed toying with the curious creatures.

However, this didn't prepare him for the reception the beach had in store for him. Half of the people were running up the beach screaming at the top of their lungs, and everyone else just stared in shocked fascination. Fred decided it was time to make some new friends.

He walked up to the nearest goggle-eyed human, (who just happened to be a hippie who had spent the entire day so far with his face glued to his favourite home-made bong), and squeaked a verse from 'Love in an Elevator'. The human (John) was a big Aerosmith fan, and joined in for the rest of the song. They spent the rest of the afternoon laughing and singing, and John decided he liked his new friend and took him home to show his girlfriend.

Arriving at home, he wasn't terribly surprised to find that she wasn't in a particularly good mood. It seems she had been rather shocked earlier that day to find that her sanitary pad was somehow stuck firmly to her genitals.

Anyway, they spent the next few days teaching Fred to whistle some Metallica songs and eating canned tuna. Fred was thoroughly enjoying himself until somebody mentioned that dolphins were the second most intelligent species on the planet. This angered Fred. Everyone knew that dolphins were more intelligent. They just enjoyed their lives so much they didn't feel any need to build cities or destroy things. Well until now, that is.

Fred sulked for a while, and then decided the only course of action would be to destroy everything. John didn't see much of him for the next few days. He had locked himself in John's garden shed, emerging only to eat and stretch his new legs.

A week later Fred walked into John's house looking a little different. He had apparently created a lawnmower, stop-valve sprinkler system, and washing machine hybrid weapon with the power to destroy the world, and grafted it onto his body. He seemed quite proud of it.

John tried to dissuade Fred from destroying everything, but Fred was doggedly determined, and walked off down the street, pausing only to pulverise a couple of neighborhoods along the way.

He decided that in order to survive, he would have to use the full force of his new weapon from the ocean, after which he would find a way to get rid of his new legs, and go about living life the way it was before his mysterious evolution.

He strolled down the beach and into the ocean, and was enjoying the feel of the water on his dried out skin, frolicking amongst a school of fish and contemplating the destruction to come, when a Taiwanese fishing trawler suddenly swept him up in their net, and he was clubbed quickly to death by a particularly burly fisherman.

What a silly world we live in.