The True Story of the Invention of the Airplane
by Arthur Candell

There is much dispute concerning the invention of the airplane. While the United States claims that Orville and Wilbur Wright made the first heavier-than-air flight on December 17, 1903. Russia claims that it was there that the first flight took place. Several other countries dispute the U.S. and Russian claims, and take credit for the first manned flight.

Swaziland, in Africa, not only claims that it invented flight, but also states, totally without any verification, that the first aircraft, made from alligator hides and elephant dung, was skyjacked by a gentlemen named Schmuckle Mumzer, who, at spear point, forced pilot Carlos Limburger to fly to Sherman, Texas where he asked a Ku Klux Klan reception committee for political asylum. The story goes that not only was this denied, but he was pressed into slavery there on a clandestine farm owned by Abraham Lincoln.

Anyway?..enough background.

The author has spent several years in intensive research and this investigative report is the TRUE story of the first heavier-than-air flight.

It all started in 1632 when a Hungarian named Ptrxy Znctwscz (Whose family invented goulash) immigrated to the United States. At Ellis Island, an immigration official, unable to pronounce the name, "Znctwscz", asked if it sounded like "Jones". "Right!" responded Znctwscz, who learned English (among other things) when he was nine years old and under the care of a British au pair. The immigration officer promptly wrote "Ptrxky Right" on the entry form.

Mr. Right eventually settled in Sherman, Texas, where coincidently, he fell in love with, and eventually married the grand-daughter of Carlos Limburger, who, if you recall, was one of the false claimants as the first pilot of heavier-than-air aircraft

Her name was Putrifica Limburger, but that is neither here or there. The important thing is that a genetic event took place between the two. Two sons were born. They were named Oreville and Wilberrr.They were both exceptionally bright boys. They proved this by trashing their one-room schoolhouse with a crude, rudimentary, but effective plutonium device at ages eleven and thirteen. The admix of good genes; those of an aircraft inventor and the first goulash-maker, manifested itself in traits of extraordinary curiosity and inventiveness.

Following their graduation from the Texas State School for Incorrigible Delinquents, and having little to do, papa having made millions selling his goulash formula to MacDonald, they spent hours studying the flight of birds.

"It would be great if we could fly also," mused Oreville, as Wilberrr carefully pulled the wings from a live crow and studied their construction.

The next day, the boys, now in their late teens, cleared out some leftover goulash pots from the family barn and embarked on the first phase of research, which would eventually find them a place in history.

Using principles observed in birds, bats and butterflies; and with locally-obtained material and a crude prototype computer invented by and equally talented but nerdy neighbor named Horace Ibm, a device slowly took shape. After unsuccessfully experimenting with a propelling device made from corset parts and rubber bands, they consulted with a sister, Kurtiss Right, who was born shortly after the boys. Equally bright and also interested in propulsion, she successfully designed a radial 35 cylinder 2000 horsepower engine. For fuel it used "black gold" a disgusting viscous waste product oozing from the ground all over the Right estate. A propeller was whittled from a local variety of Mesquite wood called fibaglaz.

The airframe slowly took shape and after 747 failures it conformed to the computer's specifications. "BOING!" exclaimed Wilberrr, "We did it!?"and the strange craft was christened the "Boing 747."

The boys cautiously prepared for their first test flight. One calm and bright June morning they wheeled the craft into their pasture. Horace Ibm came up with a suitable weather report obtained from a satellite discovered by Southern Baptists several years prior. (Since it was never mentioned in the Bible, they attributed it to the devil.)

Viscous black gold was pumped into the fuel tank; a huge, old goulash pot. The crew, beside Wilberrr and Oreville consisted of an engineer, four stewardesses and papa Right. Electrical energy which was shipped from Philadelphia to Texas in a crate by Ben Franklin, was poured into a "starter". A switch was thrown, and in a burst of acrid smoke, the engine clattered to life and the propellers started to revolve. Oreville, acting as pilot, gave a thumbs-up signal as neighbors watched in awe. Several KKK members crossed themselves, fumbled with their rosaries, and chanted in Hebrew. Orville pulled back the sagebrush stick, and the Boing 747, the world's first truly, authentic, heavier-than-aircraft lumbered down the rutted pasture. Cows bellowed in fear and ran in all directions. Spectators screamed in delight, as bouncing a few times, the ungainly aircraft slowly became airborne! It circled the pasture a few times as those watching waved and cheered. It banked to the south and slowly disappeared over the horizon... Never to be seen again!

This author uncovered evidence in old, official Mexican archives, that not only were the Right brothers the world's first designers and operators of an aircraft, but that their aircraft was the first one to be skyjacked!

The yellowed and decayed papers, included part of a diary written by Wilberrr. It disclosed that one of the stewardesses, pulled a Colt .44 revolver from her flight bag and ordered the Rights to fly to Swaziland in Africa, where her boyfriend, Schmuckel Mumzar, was employed on an agricultural project funded by the United Nations. While never proven, it was rumored that she was a member of a fervid fundamentalist, Republican Muslim, right-wing, anti-flight organization. (FFRMR-WA-FO).

Unconfirmed additional information alleges that the plane made a safe landing, but all aboard were slain,

(except the skyjacking stewardess) and the plane taken over by Schmuckel Mumzar, the secret leader of FFRMR-WA-FO. The information states that the plane was refueled with coconut oil and flown to Sherman, Texas. But that's another story we'll get into one of these days.

Many of the above facts have been classified as top-secret by the C.I.A. but were leaked to this writer by some former members of the White House staff, disgruntled over the disclosure that fourteen nuclear devices were sold to Syria by Israel who said they had too many and had run out of storage space rented in Iraq. But that's another story for the future.