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"Under my thumb,
the squirming dog
whose just had her day…"
- The Rolling Stones -
In the beginning there was a cardinal-red satin sky. Plenty of it. Large streams of the stuff pouring over the
darkness and the four Fingers and one stump who nestled within its clouded slump. Then there was the patchouli
and ylang-ylang oil. Plenty of that, too, in a small amber chamber held between two soft swollen rivulets. Finally,
there were the prurient memories, hectoring each member of the four-Fingered council to escort them to the back
of the mind and tame the snorting wet beast whose muscular soul beat life into every pore.
Ring-Finger, with all her finery, approached the meeting with Pinky, her undersized assistant peeping round each
gold, silver, and diamond belt. Already present were Index-Finger, Middle-Finger and Thumb, who was to be put on
trial for opposing and breaking the 'Rules of Thumb'.
"After much contemplation upon this matter of Thumb's continuous employment in the Palministry," spoke
Ring-Finger, "I have reached several conclusions that do not bode well for Thumb". The other three Fingers
fidgeted in anticipation for the ruling which they were certain would see the fifth resident of Palministry joining
the Aisle of Foot or, even worse, being imprisoned within the accursed pulp of Plum. Poor Thumb was even more nervous
than the last time, when his punishment for not conforming to the general rule was to have a sizable lapel of cuticle
ripped from his nape by the hideous gnashers that would otherwise transport liquids and solids to the processing
plant just above the slack skirtings.
"Firstly, I have reasoned that Thumb is not Handsome, and if he is not Handsome then he can only be Thumbsome
and, thus, he is all Thumbs; and if he is all Thumbs he is unbecomingly clumsy. We do not succumb to clumsiness
here, Mr Thumb!" Ring-Finger's reasoning was well received by the other three council members, and a hardening
of each nail set upon the reverse of their prints as they exclaimed, "Scrutiny, scrutiny, have him walk the
emery board!"
"Secondly, Thumb sucks. This has been sufficiently proven by the degree to which he had been sucked during
the early stages of our Palministry's history. I must therefore only conclude that despite his attempts to redeem
himself through ingenuity he is essentially a dummy and should not be trusted." This second remark almost
gave way to applause by all Fingers, as well as the mirrored jury on the left who, although having no right to
act independently of its opposite in thought, was quite able to create a collision of loud slapping sounds to signal
a positive response.
"The third and final conviction for Thumb's banishment is his lack of enthusiasm for participating properly
in the many rituals performed by the four-Fingered council; and that includes helping out during the snot season
when the nose picking takes place; the popping of pimples when they are ripe for the squeezing; the drilling for
earwax; itch scratching, especially during the great scabies plague of the year 2000; dandruff raking; rubbing
away of the sleep every morning; and the removal of orange pulp and other such solid wreckage lodged between the
gnashers." This last point won the vote of each Finger, hands down. Thumb was to make his last defence to
all four Fingers.
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