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"Here's the mail-order bride you ordered, Mr. Sampson," he
said without emotion. Maynard was very confused.
"But I..."
"Shut the hell up and sign these forms!!" the FedEx man retorted with disdain. He was clearly upset with
Maynard, or "Mr. Sampson," as he perceived. This was because he thought he recognized Maynard as the
person who'd locked him up inside a school locker for an entire weekend back in the 4th grade, an event which traumatized
the FedEx man for life. Maynard was still very bewildered. They stood there for forty-two seconds, with Maynard
trying to conjure up an explanation, and with the FedEx man trying to repress the voices in his head which told
him to stab Maynard with his pencil.
Ultimately, Maynard gave in and signed the forms as Mr. Sampson. The disgruntled FedEx man tipped his hat and left,
saying "See you in hell, asshole!" Maynard examined his new bride. She was medium-sized with cropped
blonde hair and pale blue eyes. She bore a hollow expression, and wore clothing that was next to rags. Through
a brief, dialogue, he learned that her name was Sheila, and that she had come from a poor Irish home, where her
father would draw pictures of Mother Mary on napkins and sell them on the street for change.
Maynard shrugged, deciding to make the best of this. He would keep his wife, and live with her. He could handle
that. About a half-hour later-while Maynard was searching for food for the dog and Sheila was trying to nurse the
baby-there was another knock at the door. Maynard opened it and discovered a 6 or 7-year old girl standing there
with some papers. She looked innocent and yet distressed.
"My name is Katie! I just escaped from an orphanage that burned down! I have no place to go! Will you please
adopt me?" she said with a look of pity in her eyes.
"Well....uh....I don't think I'm allowed to," uttered Maynard.
"Nonsense! I've got the adoption papers right here! All you have to do is sign them!" she handed Maynard
the papers, who felt compelled to sign them. Okay, so now he would have another child to look after. He could handle
that.
Minutes later, whilst Maynard was trying to stop baby Fred from sticking a fork in an outlet, he all of a sudden
heard a car's engine roaring up from outside the apartment. It was a sound that sounded all too familiar to Maynard,
but it wasn't until he actually looked out his window, into the parking lot, that he realized that his car was
being started! Yes, a thief had somehow managed to hot-wire Maynard's classic Jaguar (a gift from his now-deceased
parents, and by far the most expensive thing he owned)! Before Maynard could do anything, the thief had driven
off in a cloud of dust. On the lighter side, however, the thief also left a minivan, keys, and insurance papers
in the parking space next to Maynard's Jaguar, so at least Maynard still had a means of transportation. Still,
Maynard was pretty fucking pissed. But oh well, he reasoned, he could handle that.
But then the wildest thing of all happened. Maynard once again heard a knock at the door, but this time it was
the landlord. The landlord stood there looking excited, although he was unaware of his impending doom (which was
to occur 35 years into the future, and in actuality would only turn out to be a tax audit.)
"Okay, I've got some good news!" he exclaimed, "I've sold this entire apartment building to a developing
company that wants to tear down this entire area and build a gigantic whorehouse! You're all going to have to move
out of here." That didn't sound like very good news to Maynard. He stared at the landlord in dumbfounded disbelief.
The landlord seemed to sense his concern. "Oh, but don't worry," he continued, "they're paying me
a huge chunk of money, so that I can afford to buy everyone in this building a comfortable little house in the
suburbs! Wonderful, eh? Well, I'll see you in about two hours. Have all of your stuff packed up by then!"
And with that the landlord hurried off to inform the next unsuspecting resident.
Maynard closed his eyes and clenched his teeth. In a single day, Maynard had inherited a crappy car, a home, and
a family. It wasn't very easy for him to take. But nevertheless, hardy old Maynard shrugged and reasoned that,
somehow, he could handle it.
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