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"In the vein of Leonard's Get Shorty, and Newman's The Sting, Two Bits, is a fine
work of cleverly crafted fiction."
Learn more about Clint Gaige's book at his
website!

Submitted in 2004

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Functional Family
by
Clint Gaige


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Writers struggle for the right words, the right feeling. It isn't always easy and often, life is a series of struggles that have to be overcome. For one young writer, his family shares in his downfall.

Wichita Lineman by Glen Campbell is slowly coming to an end in this idyllic setting. The strings and seventies flange slowly settles.

His family is sitting around the dinner table waiting for Glen to wrap up his need of all time. With each punctuation, the writer's father punched, with meaning, the line, "still on the line."

Our young writing hero is clearly slightly disturbed.

"What's wrong dear?" Mildred, his Mother asked.

"I...Nothing." Billy tried to smile.

"Something has to be wrong...son...you can talk to us about anything," Bob, his Father smiled.

"We love you, no matter what."

"I know."

"You're the best son a father could have."

"Thanks," Billy writhed uneasily.

"You are such a great son."

"Thanks."

"Billy got a letter today," Sally, his Sister cheerfully added, "from a publisher."

"Well, that's great son."

"What did it say?"

"Nothing...."

"You can tell us," his Father chuckled.

"It said that I didn't have anything to say." Billy lowered his head.

"Hmmm," Bob appeared to be in deep thought, "well, you'll show 'em."

"I've figured out the problem," Billy said.

"Really? That's my boy!" Bob sat proudly.

"Yes sir."

"Well, please...share."

"I don't have enough angst," Billy announced suddenly.

There was an uneasy silence throughout the room, which was interrupted by Glen Campbell, "I am a lineman for the county…"

"Well what can we do to help?"

"Well, first of all...we have to stop getting along so well," Billy was hopeful that his family would be able to help him find his voice.

"Hmmm," Bob pondered.

"Would that help?"

"I don't know. I'm sorry it's a stupid idea."

"No, it isn't, that's a great idea," they all offered encouragement.

"What can I do to help?" Sally asked.

"Well, I need you more than want you…" Glen Campbell chimed in.

"Still on the line." Bob sang it proudly.

"Well, maybe you could get an addiction to something." Billy answered his sister and tried to ignore Glen Campbell.

"Weight loss pills?"

"I don't know, that might work"

"What about me son?" Bob asked.

"Well," Billy paused, "maybe you could start abusing us kids. Maybe, hit mom around once or twice."

"Sounds like fun, what about me?" Mildred asked.

"Well, you have to stop agreeing with everyone, Mom."

"Whatever you need," Mildred smiled.

"Thanks," Billy smiled.

"Well, let's give it a try."

"Okay," everyone was in agreement.

"Should we start dinner over?" Mildred asked.

"That would be a good idea," Bob agreed.

Everyone stood up and left the room.


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