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Part Two
The Vices
Obtained from the memoirs of Theodore R. Squires, published but
never read
If I had to pick an exact moment in my life where I decided that I had to take revenge once and for all, I suppose
it would have been at the fast food drive-thru a few years back. I drove up to the menu, which was packed with
ridiculous, overpriced meals, all of which were cheeseburgers with slight variations! What kind of idiotic, uncivilized
nation could settle for such low-class garbage? I had only come because I had run out of canned pork and grits
back at my apartment, and I didn't want to bother going to that moronic "supermarket" which contained
17 overpriced variations on the same product, as if we really needed ALL those choices! Honestly, the whole nation
had gone to hell. As I pondered all of this, I was interrupted by a loud, annoying voice. No human in sight, but
a voice, coming from some kind of electronic box.
"Uh, sir, hello? Do you want something?" it said.
"Blast! Can not a man think to himself in private anymore?"
"What?" responded the numbskull. I wasn't all that surprised that he had not a clue what thinking was.
Stupid teenage lowlife, spending all day staring at a brain-rotting computer screen, listening to classless music,
playing brain-cell destroying video games, talking on cell phones , working with that blasted "internet"-the
great liberal conspiracy to de-construct morality and proper grammar, "chatting" with people he's never
even met! And as I pondered this, yet again I was interrupted by this delinquent. "Would you like to try a
Happy Burger value meal today?"
"If it'll make you shut up and stop interrupting my thoughts, then yes!" I snapped back. What an imbecile.
Why, in my day they put kids like that in Juvenile Correction Homes. They didn't have to commit any crimes first,
parents just did it to make sure their kids didn't grow up to become opium smokers and "jazz" musicians!
"Uh, would you like that meal Large or Mega sized?" he asked.
"No! I'm fine with the original size, dag nabbit! That's the problem with America today! Nobody's satisfied
with things the way they are! Everything has to be bigger and louder and stronger and faster!"
"Calm down, dude," the cretin responded.
"How about you treat your elders with respect, 'dude'!" My wit amazes even me sometimes.
"Um, that'll be $4.95"
"WHAT?!?!" responded I, baffled, "That price is absurd! What could possibly be the explanation for
such an expensive meal? Did they raise the beef tariffs again? Why in my 77 years of life I have never-"
"Please pull ahead to the second window, sir" the punk demanded, but I was having none of it.
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