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I wandered into the kitchen, and there, was an old man sitting at a large
table sorrounded by a full breakfast. He held a banana, like you would a handgun, and followed me around the room
with it. BANG! He laughed at his own joke until it became unbearably awkward. I tried earnestly to avoid eye contact,
but he seemed like a reasonable sort of fellow, so I eventually gave up, he had very watery eyes. He wore lose
fitting clothing, the type of man who is perfectly tolerable in a pair of trousers, though you would never want
to see his bare legs. The old man said we could take the car on two conditions; firstly that we knew how to drive,
secondly that we would repair the car to working order. Neither myself or jack knew a thing about the workings
of an automobile; let alone how to drive one of the darn things. So we said yes. We pretended to ask the old man
for 'a second opinion' on the problem so we might have some vague idea of how to go about fixing it. We were not
masters of discretion, out ineptness obvious, the old man ended up doing everything.
"Go inside and get me a drink." Said the old man, head buried in the elephant trying to find an octopus.
Jack and I went into the cool kitchen and drank lemonade while the old man fixed the car. All the lemonade had
built up inside me, and now it wanted out.
"I need to use the bathroom." I announced.
"Oh, there isn't one." Jack said quite casually, obviously it was a family tradition to piss your pants
and stay seated until it dried up.
"Well I suppose I'll just go outside and use the bushes then." I paused and gave him time to tell me
he had only been joking. On my way I added number 2 to number 1 on my -to do- list - this complicated matters somewhat.
I went back inside.
"I need to do a shit as well." I waited with baited breath for his answer to this one.
"So,…the bushes." He remarked.
The bushes? The Bushes? What the fuck? This old man who lived in the suburbs, not even outer suburbs, lived like
a man 500 miles from nowhere. "I'm just going to go in the back of the car when we leave." It was not
an idle threat, I was quite prepared to do it, leave a little present for the old bastard.
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