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vol. I
Larry was in a miserable mood as he left the slaughterhouse at 5:00 PM
after working an 8 ½ hour-shift, then being laid off. It was like the world had stabbed him in the back,
and opened up a wound where his soul escaped like helium leaking out of a hole in the Goodyear Blimp. No sooner
had he walked 5 yards into the parking lot than he realized his car had been stolen-he couldn't find it anywhere.
Larry looked at the ground in sorrow, but then something happened that made him look up at the sky. It was hail.
Pellets as large as golf balls were pounding the ground relentlessly. Larry, lacking an umbrella or anything of
the sort, had to run the 10 miles to his home. By the time he arrived he had bruises all over his body.
But the real pain began when he walked inside his bedroom door. There was his wife, lying naked with a man, a woman,
and a goat-none of whom Larry had ever met. They were all dead, too-his wife had slashed everybody else's throat
just before slitting her own wrists. As Larry gasped in horror, he noticed a strange smell coming from the kitchen:
the smell of burnt meat. He opened the oven to find something even more horrendous: his children, dead, having
been cooked alive in the oven. As Larry cried out in agony his cry was drowned out by the sound of the city siren.
He looked out the window. Dear God, Larry thought. A tornado was heading straight for his house! Larry didn't have
any time to gather his belongings, he could only rush outside and pray for the best as the tornado wiped away everything
he had ever worked for. But sadly, he couldn't even do that, for just as he knelt down to pray next to a house
a half-block away from his, his insane gun-toting neighbor walked out with a double-barreled shotgun.
vol. II
His neighbor, who went by the name Dirk, glowered at Larry with bloodthirsty,
menacing eyes. He pointed his shotgun at our clearly unlucky hero. As Larry struggled to scramble away against
the powerful winds, Dirk screeched a mighty noise that sounded like something between Godzilla's roar and a Sonic
Youth guitar solo, and took a shot at Larry's foot. Well, now he could only hop away. But the wind kept knocking
Larry down. Dirk took another shot-this one hitting Larry in the shoulder. Dirk emitted another loud, this time
more annoying, screech and then shot Larry in the other shoulder. Larry, barely able to move his arms, somehow
managed to crawl away into a hole. Unfortunately, the hole led right to Dirk's basement. When Dirk realized that
he had Larry right where he wanted him, he emitted his loudest, most ear-splitting screech yet, and quickly sealed
the hole and locked the door to the basement.
Now, it just so happens that Dirk's basement sits right on top of a sewer pipe. Every so often, when the weather
conditions are as bad as they are in this story, the sewer pipe tends to flood the entire basement. Well, that
day was no exception. Larry, still wincing in unspeakable pain, was baffled to see (and smell!) raw sewage seeping
into the basement at a rapid rate. He rushed up to the basement door, but as readers that are not retarded will
note that the door was locked. He then tried to crawl up the hole he came out of, but it had been sealed by crazy
Dirk. By then Larry was up to his waist in raw sewage, and he was running out of options.
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