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  • Three Things of Which There Are No Degrees
    by Spamrider
    There are three things I can think of of which there are no degrees. 1.) Originality2.) Perfection3.) Infinity 1.) Originality I have a friend who says it makes him crazy when people refer to things as being “very original,” or “the most original”. And he’s right. He is crazy. 2.) Perfection Even though people might occasionally refer to one specimen as being “more perfect” than another, what they are really saying is that it is…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 10!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Yes. I want to file a complaint about Bob,” I said while transfixed by the pencils dangling from her nostrils. She removed one of the pencils, studied the end that had been embedded in a nostril and then licked it clean. “What did he do now?” she asked as she removed the other pencil and did the same as the other one. Well, she got me there. I stood there in my crusty underwear trying…
  • Strange Happenings at Crack Whore Village…
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week, I was telling Jerome the story about how his new apartment at crack whore village became vacant…. One morning, Jackie, who lived downstairs from me (Jerome’s new place), had come to my apartment and asked me to check in on Cindy, my other neighbor who lived across from me. This is two hours after I came home from a graveyard shift, so I wasn’t too chipper. Jackie had a key to Cindy’s apartment…
  • I’m in a mental hospital!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Believe it or not, I’m in a mental hospital!!! I thought the trial was going my way, especially since I decided to represent myself. I figured that I had watched enough of those law shows on tv to know what I was doing and it would be a great career booster for me. I guess Ralph’s lawyer had other ideas since he basically tore me apart every time I opened my mouth. He would say…
  • The Planckojiffy
    by Spamrider
    The shortest unit of time recognized by The Interuniversal Transdimensional Time Travel Council of Geneva, Wisconsin (or ITTTC) is the Planckojiffy*. And the reason that the Planckojiffy is the shortest recognized unit of time is because the Planckojiffy just so also happens to be the shortest unit of time that can ever possibly be measured. A Plackojiffy is equal to the amount of time that it takes for light to travel through a vacuum for…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 9!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Well, hello there poopy man!” said the little person. It was the same kid from the store, but this time his head seemed to be a little crooked, almost like someone had karate chopped him in the neck. He lifted up the visor of the welding mask he was wearing and smiled at me. When he saw my look and smelled my smell, he quickly lowered the visor. “You can’t go to HR. You smell!”…
  • CINDY FREAKS OUT!!!
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week I was telling Jerome, my new neighbor about my two previous neighbors Cindy and Jackie. Jackie just showed up a few hours after my graveyard shift and woke me up… “It’s Cindy! She ain’t up yet!” Jackie says in a frenzy. ‘So wake her up.’ I say while wiping sleep from my eyes. ‘She’s always up before me. She gives me a ride to work everyday and is always early. She’s always early!’…
  • Another Trial!
    by Melissa Paternik
    My trial ordeal is lasting a lot longer than I thought it would!! Hopefully it should end within the next week, but I don’t expect the verdict to be in my favor. I guess I am not a particularly good wife and, at this time, I can definitely understand why Ralph would want to get rid of me. It all started when I met my lawyer. Since I don’t have a lot of money, the…
  • Little Geniuses
    by Spamrider
    Schmelnoz once told me that the remarkable thing about human beings is that despite all our (extremely) obvious shortcomings each of us actually has a little genius inside of us. (If you don’t know who I’m talking about when I say “Schmelnoz” without my explaining it to you by now then you need to go catch yourself up on some of my older entries in this journal.  Go ahead and do it right now.  This…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 8!
    by Stephen Johnson
    The clown was acting a little bit odd, hopping on each foot like he had to…… “Pee! I have got to pee!” he yelled. “I pooped in my pants!” I yelled back. “Sorry, but even with this pee, I just got to stop you from advancing any further!” With that I performed a rather stellar deep, full-throttle turbo corkscrew kick to his face and he went flying back into a display of Kaboom cereal. “You…
  • I Get a New Neighbor!
    by Bob Senitram
    Back around the turn of the century, I gave Jerome a cigarette. It was a nice, sunny, summer day in 1996. I had just come home from work and was on my way to my apartment, when Jerome shows up. This was unusual, I didn’t get a lot of visitors in my neck of the woods. Not that I lived in the woods, it was actually a very urban area that was ripe with crime.…
  • All You Zombies (Not The Hooters’ Song)
    by Spamrider
    Robert Heinlein once wrote a story called “All You Zombies” about a man who goes back in time and fucks himself, thus becoming his own mother and father. (Heinlein actually manages to make it all sound a lot more plausible than I just did.) Later on they made an Ethan Hawke movie out of it called “Predestination”. Aside from some actually rather clever additions to the plotline it has to be one of the most…
  • My Apology…
    by Melissa Paternik
    I need to apologize to Ralph and to everyone who read my column last week. I know it’s kind of weak, but it was my time of the month, and I lost my head. I guess the feel of the blood dripping from between my legs might have given me this sense of power to do something as insane as beating on my poor, dearest Ralph. I have always had a very good sense of…
  • The Polish Plunger
    by Spamrider
    In The Future people have all these funny names for exotic sexual positions or maneuvers. Sort of like how the people of today might speak of “The Rusty Trombone,” or “The Dirty Sanchez”. I won’t try to elaborate on what any of these may or may not actually involve because to be honest with you I don’t even know and don’t really care. This page is copyrighted by the way, so whenever any of these…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 7!
    by Stephen Johnson
    (NOTE: I noticed in my last opus I typed “it’s head” a couple times. It should be “its head”. I guess I could go back and correct it, or you could just re-read it again now knowing the error of my ways. Proofread before I post? Me? HAH!) So….. Giant fire pit. Bunch of people dancing around it, some in suits, some in sweats. Every so often they would randomly toss someone into the pit…
  • The Times They Are A Changing!
    by Bob Senitram
    In my everlasting attempt on this planet to find peace and tranquility, I tried studying several religious philosophies over the years, but to no avail. Christianity, Buddhism, Muslim, they just don’t work for me. There’s no peace or tranquility as long as I’m still myself. Basically, the problem is this, I’m a massive a jerk. And I’m self-centered. I just can’t get beyond that. Besides, religions have all these rules for conduct, it’s just too…
  • I Got Caught!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Well, I got caught! I was in the kitchen making Ralph’s dinner when I heard someone screaming outside. I turned off the microwave and ran outside. The screaming continued and I followed it to the back of the trailer and there I saw Ralph lying on the ground with Dana sitting on his chest, tearing at his shirt. I ran over to them, but was a moment too late. Dana had managed to tear the…
  • Angels and Demons
    by Spamrider
    While I certainly have no intentions of letting this thus far squeaky-clean and entirely uncontroversial column of mine ever devolve into something so lowly and debased as religious mumbo-jumbo, I would nontheless like to take the opportunity this week to discuss something that Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible and I spoke about quite at length one long and intoxicating and intoxicated evening during his previous visit. It all started whenever Schmelnoz for some reason out of the…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 6!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Quite the large bear, it was. If it was on all fours, maybe it wouldn’t have seemed so big. But it wasn’t. Nope, that sucker was on its hind legs. See? HUGE!!!! It was also twirling a sign. “CHECK OUT THE NEW CAFETERIA!” the sign read. Well, I think it did. The bear was twirling that sign too fast. I tried going around the bear, but it was blocking the way to HR. So, I…
  • Finally, The Grand Finale…Part IV!!!
    by Bob Senitram
    Well, when we left off last week, those Duke boys really got themselves in quite a pickle. Seems like that hunting trip at the park left our two friends wounded and heading toward the hospital. Stephen got shot in the arm by Bob, and Bob got shot in the head by Stephen. Bel thought Stephen was dead, But Bob, being the good friend that he is, convinced Bel to let Stephen go along to the…
  • Almost Busted!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I was almost busted!! I was tending to Ralph in the bedroom, like any good wife would do to THEIR husband, when there came a large crash from right outside our trailer. Ralph yanked my head up from where it was positioned and told me to go outside to see what was going on. I tried to throw on my bathrobe, but Ralph told me it sounded like an important sound and that I didn’t…
  • Daylight Saving Blues
    by Spamrider
    Well, it’s that time of year again when most people set their clocks ahead an hour and, as my friend Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible once put it, start pretending that it’s really one hour later than it actually is. Personally I agree with Schmelnoz and think this Daylight Saving stuff is all pretty asinine. But, living among crazies like you all it’s just one more stupid thing I have to deal with I guess. I also…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 5!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Brap zippy-zip-zip flong ZAP!” screamed the little person as he pulled the trigger. “Now you’re DEAD!” I felt nothing. Of course not. It was a toy gun. “Lay down! Act like you’re DEAD!” I did not. “Act like you’re dead or I’m going to tell my mommy!” I walked a little bit closer. “Bob? Bob Senitram is that you?” “I’m just playing a game. Uh, I gottta GO!” With that, he tried to get out…
  • Good Will Hunting: Part III
    by Bob Senitram
    In last week’s column I was reminiscing about the time that me Stephen had big plan to go hunting and shoot them lovely springtime birds and shove them in the freezer for free food. We was up in two trees ready to shoot them birds. As it turned out, me and Stephen decided to shoot the same bird at the same time, and it was right in-between us. As the bullet was heading toward my…
  • Old Farts Never Die…
    by Spamrider
    They just wisp away. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • A Surprise in a Crate!
    by Melissa Paternik
    When I got home yesterday from job hunting, found a large crate on our front porch. I was very happy because I thought it might be the donkey that Ralph has been promising to get so that I can perform shows for his friends. I told him that I wasn’t very good at magic tricks but he told me that there was no magic involved and that with my past history there would be no…
  • Misfortune Cookie
    by Spamrider
    My fortune cookie tonight said, “Someone from your past has returned to steal your heart.” I’ll bet anything it’s that damn Haitian witchdoctor again. He’s been after my heart for decades now. He needs it for some sort of crazy Voodoo ritual. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • The Journey To HR, Part 4!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Eric Stratton, rush chairman. Damn glad to meet you!” I replied to that disembodied voice. “Eric! Can you spare a buck or two?” This came from behind a pile of boxes. The boxes moved around a bit and a large man rose up. He was wearing a security uniform. “What do you need a couple bucks for?” “To feed the meter. Those guys don’t pay for our parking!” That made sense. I threw some change…
  • A Hunting we will go Part II!
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week, I was explaining my plan to go hunting for springtime birds at our local park. Anyways, we got our guns and was a-heading toward the park. We get to the perfect hunting ground, and I start to get ready. Soon, I had a nice big pile of leaves and branches that I dropped in front of Stephen. “Now we prepare!” “What am I supposed to do with all this…” Stephen asked me. “Camouflage,…
  • More Shit Schmelnoz Says
    by Spamrider
    Schmelnoz says the cost of free will is bearing the weight of the world upon your shoulders. I asked him if he believes in free will. He said that only those who does not already know The Future believe in free will. Then he farted and we drank together in wry merriment. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • I Get My Life in Order!
    by Melissa Paternik
    It seems that every time I get my life in order, someone goes out of their way to upset me. I don’t know why, but I guess a lot of people are happier when I’m depressed. Here’s an email I received recently and you’ll see what I mean: “Hi Melissa, I’ve been a big fan of yours for a long time. I’ve been rooting for you to get your life in order. I’ve laughed with…
  • Quote of the Day #2
    by Spamrider
    “It is a mathematical fact that the casting of this pebble from my hand alters the centre of gravity of the universe.” -Thomas Carlyle While technically true, what old Tomboy fails to mention is that at the same time he’s tossing off his little pebbles, there are untold and mindboggling numbers of other events taking place in the universe over which he has absolutely no control, any of which could counteract any effect his piddly…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 3!
    by Stephen Johnson
    And there it was! Headquarters! No shiny high-rise here though. Just a one-story building that used to be home to a Build A Mole store. For some reason, the previous tenants thought that since kids liked building bears, they sure as heck would just love building moles. They were quite wrong and our overlords were able to get the building for cheap. They just had to clear out all the mole parts and the previous…
  • A Hunting We Will Go…
    by Bob Senitram
    Here in the Midwest, it was a balmy 60 degrees in my neck of the woods. I sat on the porch, drinkin’ a cold brew and listened to the morning birds as I recalled the days when I saw birds as a source of food. Back in the day when Stephen, Bel, and I were roommates in the crack infested neighborhood, we called home. One particular day, me and Stephen were trying to cure our…
  • Getting to Know Ralph Again!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Ralph and I have spent the last week getting to know each other again. It’s been fantastic!!! As soon as we got home, he put me right to work cooking and cleaning. Hey, I’m a woman and that’s what I’m supposed to be doing!! Every so often, he would have me stop working so I could tell him what had happened to me while I was gone, but these moments didn’t last long because he…
  • The Future of Science
    by Spamrider
    In The Future it will begin to occur to some people that one of the major reasons we have so many problems in the world today is that instead of seeing science as a means of obtaining pure knowledge and enlightenment with which we might better ourselves as a race, we look upon it as something to exploit—as if the sole purpose and benefit of science was to aid us in fulfilling our every desire. That is to say, we…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 2!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Figured I would hit a nearby store to find something to spray on the back of my pants in case any poop smell was wafting from down there, but discovered some people can be so rude! While walking through the store trying to find some scents, I walked by a little boy shopping with his mom. When I passed he made a wretching sound and screamed, “Mommy. MOMMY! THAT OLD MAN SMELLS LIKE POOP!” She…
  • The Rat Killin…
    by Bob Senitram
    Now I told you about the joys of carin’ for chickens. But I never told you about the rat killin’. How we got rid of that old chicken coop and how we got rid of all them rats inside. As I mentioned a few weeks ago, our family came into possession of an old country house and with that house came an old chicken coop with chickens. I don’t know if the prior owner had…
  • The Illiputians
    by Spamrider
    Speaking of timekeeping, Schmelnoz once told me about this race of giants called the Illiputi who do not keep track of time simply because they do not believe in it. According to the Illiputian way of thinking, every day is actually the same day. The only reason it seems otherwise is that some douchebag keeps going around planting memories in everybody’s heads. Apparently the rest of the Universe pretty much just leaves them alone because…
  • Just In Time for Valentine’s Day…My Love Story!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I have the perfect Valentine’s story for you! And it couldn’t have come at a better time. I was at the lowest point of my life, thinking that things couldn’t get any worse and then I was rescued by my knight in shining armor!!! Last Thursday, I was scrounging in a garbage can looking for some scraps of food to take home when I noticed a man looking through another garbage can further up the…
  • Lunch Time
    by Spamrider
    According to my alien friend from The Future Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible the only reason that primitive races like humans even believe in and attempt to keep track of something so abstract as Time in the first place is because in our early development conceiving of such a concept became a necessity just so we could all interact together on any sort of predictable basis, thereby forming what has come to be known as “society,” which…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 1!
    by Stephen Johnson
    When I went to Headquarters so I could speak to our HR Department, is saw a nearby store that sold shelving was hiring so I decided to take the plunge and get a real job for awhile. Plus, I was looking for some shelving for the homestead and figured I could get an employee discount. So I went in, found an employee and told them I was looking for a job. He looked me over,…
  • She’s Having a Baby!!!
    by Bob Senitram
    My wife came running out of the bathroom screaming, “We’re having a baby!” “Impossible.” I reply. “What?” She says while wiping the pregnancy stick on her jean leg. “I can’t have babies.” “You mean you’re sterile? That’s impossible, there’s been no one else. There’s never been any reason.” “No, I ain’t sterile. I’m a man! I’m no biologist, but last I heard, a man can’t give birth to no baby. Besides, even if I could,…
  • I am finally rid of Dana!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I was wandering around town trying to find some scraps to eat when I noticed a porn magazine lying in a trash bin. Since I like to read while Dana breast feeds because it takes my mind off the pain of having my body sucked dry, I picked up the magazine thrilled that I would have something to read. As soon as I got home, Dana tackled me and started feeding. I started to read…
  • A Crinkle In Time
    by Spamrider
    [Note: The following entry was written by Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible, my alien friend from The Future.  -Spamrider] Greetings Earthlings. I am the quasi-sentient life-form known colloquially as “Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible”.  But I conceive that if the Spamrider has properly primed your reality contextual realms the way I have instructed him to then you have ultimately and formerly concocted as much. When I incipiently and initially presented my supposition for this maiden entry into his revelatory…
  • What’s In My Mouth?
    by Stephen Johnson
    “THEY EAT THEIR OWN POOP WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT! Just like Stephen.” Excuse me? Just discovered a chunk of something in my mouth. Have no idea what it is, went ahead and swallowed it. Haven’t eaten anything yet today, did my weekly brushing of the teeth so it must be remnants of something old. Should still be nutritious. Looking around and trying to figure out what I should watch today. It should be more Tarzan,…
  • Chickens…A Story From My Youth!
    by Bob Senitram
    James writes:Hello Bob! I like chickens. What should I do? Dear James:It just so happens, that I know a little bit about chickens. As a teenager my family moved into a one-acre spot of land that had a chicken coop. Funny, but the chickens came with the house. The old coop must have been built in the 40s. It was dark, had rats and fleas and quite frankly I was afraid to go in there.…
  • Sometimes You Have Sell It!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    When you have something that is of no use anymore, you sometimes try to sell it in order to make some money. Well, I figured that I had no more use for Dana and since my breasts are becoming very sore from all the feedings, I decided that I could sell my baby, like I did with my seven other children!!! I went down to the bad part of town where you can sell and…
  • The Great Poodle Wars
    by Spamrider
    So despite all the grisly and gruesome details I have thus far disclosed concerning The Future, it turns out that the most fierce and vicious response I have received thus far has come from a certain dog owner whose name I won’t mention (Larry) who has expressed both shock and dismay at my earlier revelation that in The Future there are in fact no Poodles. It’s really quite simple though. Most of them get killed off…
  • No Robots, But Fubbles!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Robots? Someone is writing about ROBOTS??!! At least when you come here you know you’ll get full-on reality. Got some Fubbles for the cats, but they really didn’t care much about the bubbles floating in the air. Instead, they waited for them to land on the floor where they burst and then they just sat there wondering where the bubbles went. That’s just weird. I thought I would get hours of fun watching them chase…
  • The Aftermath of Passing Out!
    by Bob Senitram
    After passing out for four days courtesy of good ol’ Russian, gasoline moonshine from the 80s, Jerome was kind enough to take me home. We set up my computer back in the basement when I realized we didn’t have a keyboard. So back to Jerome’s we go. Jerome parked and up the stairs to his apartment we go. Who do I see in the hall? None other than Mikey, Bills kid who fixed the website…
  • He Hasn’t Run Away or Died!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Well, Dana hasn’t run away or died yet, so I am still without a job. I guess it’s okay though since my breasts are seriously deformed from all the breast feeding and, in my line of work, you definitely need breasts in order to make a buck or two. I’ve been spending the days hanging out in the woods trying not to keep an eye on Dana which is very hard to do especially when…
  • Shit Schmelnoz Says
    by Spamrider
    Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible says the darndest things sometimes. Recently (which remember is now eighteen years ago) we were watching some birds and he said, “When the animals finally go to war against man, the birds will be quite formidable opponents.” Noting my incredulous look he explained, “For one thing, their surveillance powers are beyond question.  And their communications network is obviously second to none.” And as is usually the case I couldn’t really argue with…
  • Elephant Stampede!
    by Stephen Johnson
    It snowed again this week. I had the woman shovel the driveway since I was busy watching “Tarzan Goes To India”. That is all. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • He’s Back!
    by Bob Senitram
    Nice to be back. I woke up after a nasty hangover and I’m in a pile of rags at Jerome’s Place. “You’re telling me, you found me wondering around outside in my pajamas, in a snowstorm and I’ve been sleeping here for four days?” “Yup, that pretty much sums it up.” Jerome replies. “But I don’t want you worrying your pretty little head, I drove to your house, got your computer and brought it here.…
  • It’s Take Your Kid to Work Day!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Looks like I made a huge mistake bringing my baby to work. I think there also might be something seriously wrong with it since it’s now over 5 feet tall and it’s less than a month old. Instead of calling it “it” all the time, I now call my baby “Dana” since I still don’t know what sex it is and Dana is one of those names that can be used for a girl or…
  • Weekend With Schmelnoz
    by Spamrider
    So now that it’s all over I can finally tell you now the real reason I was in Texas. My best friend from The Future, Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible, arrived on earth approximately eighteen years ago, which was three weeks ago according to my own personal subjective experience of Time. Actually it feels more like three months. Anyway, we decided rural Texas in The Past would be the perfect place for him to fit in because nothing…
  • He Doesn’t Step In For Me…….
    by Stephen Johnson
    So, it snowed here. Figured I might as well make myself useful and shovel a path on the driveway and the sidewalk leading to the front door since I’m expecting a package or two from Amazon. But, I couldn’t find my snow shovelin’ gloves! Asked the woman where they were and she asked if she was the keeper of my gloves which is kind of what I expected so have no clue now why I…
  • Jerome Steps In…
    by Bob Senitram
    Dear friends TheWeirdcrap.com and the Ask Bob column. This Jerome, Bob’s very bestest friend! Bob ain’t writing this week’s column for two reasons. One, he done crashed the site this last Tuesday night. And then there’s reason number two: on account he had some sort of “episode”. I don’t exactly know what the doctors would call it, but he ain’t right. Wednesday morning, I look out the window in my underwear drinkin’ my coffe and…
  • Quote of the Day
    by Spamrider
    “The world is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel.” -Horace Walpole  I guess that makes my life a tragic comedy. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us

Lunatic Column Archives

Visit the archives to discover columns by other writers such as P.S. Gifford, Bel Garion, Melissa Paternick, and Brian Petre. This content has absolutely nothing to do with reality, so it doesn’t really matter when they were published.

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