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Lunatic Ravings!
Bob, in his finite wisdom, recently had the gall and moxie to claim that a water shortage has nothing to compare with freezing temperatures. He claims that the lack of water, our lifeblood, is not worse that having a toe amputated because of walking to a service station in the bitter cold after the 70's era panelled station wagon breaks down on some lonely stretch of Nebraska road. Well sir, I would rather have a toe amputated because of exposure instead of being forced to flush my toilet once a week due to a drought. You don't know pain and suffering until you smell the odor coming from a toilet with six days worth of shit and piss assailing your nostrils and your very essence. However, it does have its benefits. It is kind of fun to invite friends over and debate whether the top floating turd actually does look like the cast of "Friends" after they've been run over by a runaway subway. Also fun is the game of guessing how long the smell of the peeshit mixture will subside from your nostrils. At least we're finding ways to cope with our crisis. People like Bob will sit back and complain about the cold which lasts approximately 4 months. I have to deal with a smell that gets really, really, really, really obnoxious when the outside temperature reaches 115 degrees and the air conditioner decides it no longer wants to work. Now I find that I'm doing everything on the toilet. As a matter of fact, I am writing this while I sit on the toilet but not because I'm having a nice bowel movement. I have found that my ass creates a nice cork-like topper thingy for the toilet so less smell can escape. Sure, there's the small gap between the toilet set and bowl, but at least it no longer has a gaping hole for the smell to escape. He complains about a measly toe as I have to sit here and wonder if my legs will ever awaken again. I can only dream of pins and needles now as Bob and others worry about the snot freezing on their faces when they walk outside. I'm a survivor and I'll cope. Bob and his peeps can all choke on shit and die but at least they'll have some water to try and dislodge the shit before they're dead. I just don't have that luxury. But, enough of talking about piles of fecal matter and urine. It's that time of year for our top albums of 2000! As usual, actual thought went into my list, but not Bob's. Would you expect anything else? Stephen's top 20 (that's right, 20!) albums of 2003. 20) Fleetwood Mac---"Say You Will" 19) Jeff Beck---"Jeff" 18) Strapping Young Lad---"Strapping Young Lad" 17) The Romantics---"61/49" 16) Yardbirds---"Birdland" 15) Lynyrd Skynyrd---"Vicious Cycle" 14) The Darkness---"Permission to Land" 13) Anthrax---"We've Come For You All" 12) Legend---"Still Screaming" 11) King's X---"Black Like Sunday" 10) Metallica---"St. Anger" 9) Zebra---"IV" 8) Deep Purple---"Bananas" 7) Styx---"Cyclorama" 6) Opeth---"Damnation" 5) The Allman Brothers Band---"Hittin' the Note" 4) Stratovarius---"Elements Pt. 1" 3) The Devin Townsend Band---"Accelerated Evolution" 2) Dream Theater---"Train of Thought" 1) Iron Maiden---"Dance of Death" And a dishonorable mention to Kings of Leon and White Stripes for absolutely sucking large donkey dick. Bob's list and comment: 1) Justin Guarini---"Justin Guarini" I wish that I could sit with Justin and listen to his wonderful CD. I can picture running my hands through his kinky hair as he whispers sweet nothings in my ear that pierce my very essence making me want to show the world my hidden ladylike behaviour which is just begging to push through. Thanks Justin for making my life seem almost complete you singing stud! Uhh, thanks a lot Bob. Now I have to run to the toilet and vomit on top of a pile of last night's Taco Bell dinner. COMING NEXT: Fearless predictions for 2004! Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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