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Lunatic Ravings!
So, everybody is scared shitless about the flu. People are lining up to get flu shots because the guvment says they should. What people don't know is that they're really not getting flu shots but are standing in line because of some deep, dark secretive thing that they're told is a flu shot but is something completely different. I have never received a flu shot because I am very powerful inside and can combat anything thrown my way. I can eat moldy, year old bread and not feel any effects because my insides were built by some mad and some not so mad scientists deep in a mountain somewhere far, far away. I usually get flu like symptoms once a year and for only 12 hours. I have the chills and the sweats, snot runs from my nose into my open mouth, my eyes leak, and it feels like my ears are filled with a wax community dancing the tango. I also have small periods of blackouts and hallucinations. Last year during my 12 hour sickness, I was told that I ran outside dressed in a housecoat and golf shoes with a rotten pumpkin strapped to my head with suspenders. Witnesses claim that I was running around screaming that I was the Great Pumpkin and that I had been sent down from above to punish all the sinners. I got the yearly sickness this past Friday and I blacked out again because this time I supposedly ran outside naked with a nail pounded through each of my palms claiming that I was the son of the Big Guy and was sent down from above to punish the sinners AND the meek. Of course I don't remember any of that happening but all my neighbors have been avoiding me so I guess I have instilled the fear of God into each and every one of them which is a good thing I guess. Maybe I'm getting a but weaker year by year because I haven't fully recovered from my yearly sickness as I sit here writing this masterpiece. Right now there are voices in my head warning me of the stampeding antelopes heading my way and I can see them now as they jump from the walls (which are covered with writhing worms) into my office. What worries me the most is if they happen to shit on the floor because I haven't properly litter box trained them I'll have to take the time to clean it up and have a lot of explaining to do. I could blame it on the cat, but cat poo and antelope poo look quite different and there's no way a log that big could come from a tiny cat butt. I'm in really bad shape here. Just don't go for those flu shots because it's really alien growth hormone that the guvment's been saving ever since the Roswell crash. It'll cause those that got the shot to grow really, really big and they'll go around smushing those that didn't get the shot because that's what really tall aliens do. Now I'm starting to melt. That's just great. COMING NEXT: Our annual top 10 movies of the year! Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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