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Lunatic Ravings!
To celebrate our newly designed website (which I had no hand in whatsoever since I'm quite lazy) I took a trip to Neverland, home of that guy who caught on fire while filming a commercial for a large soft drink company. To get in the mood, I listened to Night Ranger's "Neverland", while watching "Hook" on the portable DVD player as the hitcher I graciously picked up read highlighted sections from the Cliff Notes version of "Peter Pan." I never expected Neverland to be so secure but I managed to scale a wall and found myself creeping around trying to get some news to share with my tens of fans. However, even though the human security was fairly easy to elude, the zebra with the fangs and the shit flinging monkey that chased me around were a completely different story. I don't know what kind of training the monkey had, but he was dead on with his shit flinging. As the zebra diverted my attention by charging at me with it's mouth full of razor sharp fangs wide open, globs of monkey shit slammed into the right side and left side of my head with unspeakably crazy accuracy. Now, I can honestly say that I have never been taught how to deal with a shit throwing monkey and it's fanged zebra sidekick so I took matters into my own hands and pulled down my pants and took the biggest dump of my life. I guess I amazed the zebra and monkey because they both stopped what they were doing and watched as I pooped. This gave me time to devise a plan which had actually been partially devised before when I had decided to pull down my pants but not fully devised. Hope I didn't lose you there. Done with pooing, I found some soft palm leaves and carefully cleaned myself up. The zebra and monkey were still watching me with curiosity so I guess they weren't prepared when I reached into my own pile of shit and started throwing it back at them. When my first volley caught the monkey in the chest he actually went apeshit and started flinging shit back at me. I guess the zebra was pissed off because even though he was getting hit with some of my shit, he couldn't retaliate by throwing any of his shit back at me since he doesn't have hands so he just ran around in circles trying to figure out a way to get out of the way of the shit volley. I screamed as I threw my shit, the monkey screamed as he threw his shit and the zebra just made a zebra sound as he ran around which alerted the guards to my location and we were soon surrounded. I guess my primate esp must have kicked in at this time because the monkey and I stopped throwing our shit at each other and started throwing it at the guards which was fun until we were both hit by tranquilizer darts. When I awoke I thought I was lying in the comfy bed of the King of Pop, but found that I was standing in line at Best Buy the day after Thanksgiving with 3 items to purchase and 1 hour and 56 minutes later I had paid for them and was allowed to leave the store. So, did I really go to Neverland? I don't really know at this point because I am scarred for life because I shopped on the day after Thanksgiving. I think I would have had more fun having a shit throwing fight with a monkey and zebra. COMING NEXT: I know how to beat the drought. Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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