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Lunatic Ravings!
As another birthday for me comes around this week, I can only sit back and think about what I have done with my life so far. To some people (including my high school guidance counselor), it might seem that I'm just wasting my life because I sit around all day long watching tv and when I feel a little bit adventurous, I venture out and pay a visit to my one and only crackwhore village. I've thought about my life and sometimes I think that maybe I am just wasting my life, but then I visit the crackwhores and feel so much better. I am their puppetmaster and they're my puppets. Situations like that make you feel that you've made it to the big time especially when you have all of that cold hard cash flowing in from a few people that don't know the difference between caviar and cockroach droppings all because they're crackwhores. Sure, I can make a difference in their life, but what's the point? Why should I have them cleaned up and made presentable when I am living the American dream? What's wrong with making a bunch of money off of the misfortunes of others? It's not like they're in bad shape because they get their crack somewhere and they're whores to boot. Yet I still have days when I feel down. I want to be that knight in shining armor riding in on my white horse with the purpose of saving a few luckless souls. When this feeling hits me, I log into the computer where I can get one of those free trip plans so that I can have the quickest route to my crackwhores but everything comes crashing down when I find an email like this in my inbox: "Subject: Fuck Like a Porn Star We ARE THE ONLY SITE that has the 36 MINUTE INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO that shows you exactly what 3 THINGS to do to get your partner to have uncontrollable and surefire explosive orgasms, just like Jenna Jameson! All women yearn for these things but most won't ask for it because they they think it will make them look like a filthy little whore. (Don't they know we want them to be like a filthy little whore in the bedroom?) But believe me they want it and this video tells you exactly what the 3 biggies are and SHOWS you exactly how to do each one of them - we're talkin' the J Triple!" And then I'm back to reality. Damn straight we want them to be filthy little whores and it only takes 36 minutes for us to find out how. Like I need a college degree to run a crackwhore village and watch a 36 minute video. My life's good because I have tons of these instructional videos and I really want to share them with my puppets, but it's kind of hard to keep them awake for the length of the videos. There's also a comprehension problem with those that happen to stay lucid for the whole length of the video, but it's something I'm working on. So I have made something of my life and I do have something to look forwards to. On top of that, Van Halen is getting back together without Dave, but I'll learn to deal with that too. I'm a survivor with a bevy of crackwhores and life just can't get much better than that. Oh yeah, Happy Thanksgiving. Remember that we killed a lot of the descendants of those other folks that were partying with the pilgrims AND we got their recipe for pumpkin pie PLUS an extra day off during the week. COMING NEXT: All access to Neverland! Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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