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Lunatic Ravings!
Let's just forget about me answering reader email for the time being. I really, really wanted to but since I received so many emails regarding new scientific breakthroughs on increasing my penis size, I decided that that should take precedence over answering some email from those that don't appreciate what I do. If my theory is correct and I order all those different penis enlargement products, I will realize my life dream of joining a travelling carnival where I could tie my pecker to a tree in front of hundreds of adoring fans. So, as I sit here debating the pros and cons of having an enormous dick, I can only think of another dick that used to be enormous but is not so enormous anymore: JARED aka THE ANTI-ANTI-ANTICHRIST (Calling Jared the antichrist would be demeaning to the real antichrist. Calling him the anti-antichrist make him opposite of the antichrist which some people would think was good. Therefore, he is not the antichrist, nor is he the opposite of the antichrist. He is the opposite of the opposite of the antichrist which, according to my calculations, makes him a steaming pile of corn flecked yak shit crawling with maggots.) The fucker is back with a vengeance! Now he's dining in a different restaurant because, according to his failsafe diet, he only needs to eat at Subway once a day. You might not think that this is a big deal, but you're wrong. Jared has already taken over Subway. You can go to your local chain, mention his name and the robots that work there just smile gleefully as they ask what kind of bread you want. Make sure you ask for the literature from Jared that will show you how to raise healthy kids. He's an expert, you see. He used to be a fat dumbfuck but now he's just a dumbfuck and he wants you to be the same. However, Subway isn't good enough for him anymore. He wants MORE. He's going to lose even more weight at his newest found restaurant and they're going to beg him him to become their spokesman because they need a supposed sob story from some idiot in order to draw in the business. I'm sick of seeing Jared and will continue to be sickened until he is gone. From now on, I will be stuffing a slice of headcheese up my ass every day until he's gone. Then, when he's gone, I'll find out where he is and squeeze the headcheese out of my ass onto the tippity top of his pointy little head. And if Jared isn't bad enough, I also have to deal with the newest batch of Dell interns who aren't headcheese-up-the-ass annoying yet, but are getting pretty damn close. I still haven't found out what happened to the blonde female intern but I'm almost sure that the latest female intern (the one that looks like she was raised on a farm), killed her dead and ate her on the cross country bus trip. Dell had no business changing those interns on us. I'm sure there are others like me that were caught up in their hijinks and couldn't wait to find out what those rapscallions would be up to next, but our dreams were shattered. At least the farm girl is happy as she gnaws on the dead intern's barbecued right foot. But everything's going to be okay. I currently have at least one slice of headcheese up my ass and I feel remarkably fresh. Why don't you try it too? COMING NEXT: I look through the telescope. Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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