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Lunatic Ravings!
This week I was going to dedicate this whole column to the governor's race in California, but I figured that you have heard enough about that so I'm going to write about something much more important. However, for those of you that visit this site to keep up to date on world news, I will briefly describe what's going on so you have something to talk about around the water cooler at work. This will make you look smart and "in the know". There are 3 main candidates on the ballot for the recall election. Those are Arnold Schwarzenegger (an actor who's been in a couple of movies like "Red Sonja" and "Hercules in New York"), Larry Flynt (a publisher of a magazine that I have never heard of which shows a lot of pink, whatever that means) and Gary Coleman (another actor who's been in blockbusters like "The Kid WIth the Broken Halo" and "On the Right Track"). So there you have it. One of those three is going to win. Now you can impress your friends with your background knowledge of the candidates. What's more important than what's happening with the Governor's race is what will happen next with "Freddy vs. Jason". There's a rumor going around that Michael Meyers might be the next in the mix. I say, why stop there? I have an idea for a blockbuster that will make trillions of dollars and bring back the days when movies were important. Here's my idea (with a little help from a few others): Freddy vs Jason vs Michael Meyers vs Pinhead vs Leatherface vs The Tall Man vs Norman Bates vs Cujo vs Jaws vs King Kong vs Frankenstein vs Dracula vs The Mummy vs Dr. Jekyll vs Mr. Hyde vs The Invisible Man vs The Creature from The Black Lagoon vs Godzilla vs Mothra vs Rainman vs The Thing vs Tony Montana vs Abbott vs Costello vs E.T. vs Tribbles vs Khan vs the Ghostbusters vs the McKenzie Brothers vs the Griswold's vs the town of Mayberry vs the Village of the Damned vs the Children of the Corn vs the Titanic vs Jack Torrance vs Barney This would be a huge moneymaker since it will feature tons of beloved characters. If they're dead, they could just be resurrected because it's a horror movie and stuff like that happens all the time. If any in Hollywood is interested, just get in touch with me and I'll send you an outline of the script for a fair, but reasonable, price. Finally, if you happened to read Bob's column from 8/8, you might have figured that he has a problem with Cooper who works at a Home Depot in Omaha. Bob claims that Cooper was more interested in talking on a cellphone than helping him. Well, I know Cooper and know that the reason that he was talking on a cellphone was because his dear 80 year old mother was in a hospital getting ready to give birth to quintuplets. Cooper was making sure that the photographers from "The Weekly World News" and "The Enquirer" were in the delivery room ready to take pictures of the world's oldest woman giving birth to a shitload of babies at one time. This was an opportunity for Cooper to make some extra money since he works for barely above minimum wage at Home Depot. Bob needs to get off his high horse and show some compassion for other people and he also needs to stop playing that race card he always seems to be carrying especially since he is not a "darkie" as he claims. FIGHT THE POWER! Coming Next: I have no innards. Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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