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Lunatic Ravings!
Lunatic Ravings - 08/11/03
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday
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Queensryche---"Tribe"
And now for some reader email that I'll take the time and patience to answer PLUS a special bonus for those that
read this column all the way to the bottom.
Okay, maybe it's not a bonus, but it takes up space and makes this column look longer.
******************************************************
From Chris W. in Las Vegas, NV:
"I was driving home the other day and saw a poster at a bus stop with a picture of a retard. The ad was asking
for me to donate my car! Why would I do something like that? Next thing you know, there'll be a retarded band that
only knows how to play 'Brain Damage' and 'Insane in the Brain'."
First off, you sick fuck, these people are known as "mentally challenged". Stop calling them retards.
Second off, why not donate your car? Corky CAN drive a car.
******************************************************
From Susan G. in Anaheim, CA:
"I have some extra money and want to buy some new sneakers. What brand should I buy?"
I bought a pair of K-Swiss sneakers but they were taken away from me because I couldn't twirl them in my hand properly.
I guess that's something you need to know how to do in order to wear such a cool pair of sneakers.
Stay away from Nike. Nowadays the only people that can wear Nike's are those that are faster than everyone else
in the world and are just pompous assholes. Unless you can lay claim to either of those attributes, Nike is not
for you.
Everyone knows what Adidas stands for and if you actually do that, then those are the sneakers for you. If not,
and you wear Adidas, then you run the risk of turning into a whore because you would have no choice.
I highly recommend going to a .99 Store and buying a cheap pair of sneakers. Sure, they might fall apart within
a week, but at least you're not advertising a multi-million dollar conglomerate for free which will give you piece
of mind.
******************************************************
From Clyde H. in Tempe, AZ:
"So, what do you think about the Episcopal church naming a homosexual it's newest bishop?"
For years, I have been waiting for something like this to happen. Now I can finally let the whole world know a
secret that I have kept hidden for many, many years.
When I was in high school, I used to go out drinking with a few friends at least one weekend a month. Kind of like
a guys night out but none of us were married and we were way too young to get inside any bars.
As we sat under the bridge getting drunker and drunker on our illegally obtained liquor, we would start to experiment.
Pretty soon one thing led to another and we found ourselves doing that thing that a majority of the guys in our
school would harass us about if they ever found out. Hell, if our parents found out they would be devastated and
would probably have to move to another state so that they wouldn't have to deal with the pity stares from other
parents.
I stopped experimenting a few years ago and have no regrets. I have never had the urge to try it again, not that
there's anything wrong with doing it in the first place. I'm sure most everyone knows someone who's done it or
is doing it.
So to answer your question, yes I was raised an Episcopalian and I did experiment with marijuana when I was younger.
******************************************************
From Harry W. in Charleston, WV:
"The White Stripes RULE!"
Actually, they don't.
See, anytime a band with a "new" sound comes out, the experts jump all over it claiming that this is
the new wave of music and the best sound to come out in years. That's what they're paid to do.
I guarantee if there was a band consisting of 4 people with kazoos stuck up their asses, the critics would claim
that they were the "best band since______" only because it's new and that's their job to make the masses
believe what they're saying because they wouldn't have a job if they didn't.
Basically, all I'm trying to say is that The White Stripes aren't that good. Really. Check them out in 10 years
and get back to me.
******************************************************
And finally, here's a reply to an email I received last year from some company
in China that wanted to know if I was interested in purchasing some of their detergent.
I thought that they would figure out that I was fucking with them, but I guess not since they actually replied
back to me.
Yep, that's the bonus I was talking about. Deal with it.
******************************************************
From: Stephen Johnson
To: xrceagle@sohu.com
Cc: webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
Subject: Re: Detergent
Sent: Thu Nov 21 08:00:27 CST 2002
You've got quite the selection of detergent! I consider myself a detergent afficionado and am getting tired of
those "fresh" smelling detergents. Know what I mean?
Would you by any chance have a detergent that smells like either ham or chocolate or maybe even a combination of
both? I think it could be the next big thing!!
Thanks!
From: <xrceagle@sohu.com>
To: <snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com>
Subject: Re: Detergent
Date: Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:55:05 -0800
Dear Sir,
Thank you for your kind information and I'm sorry for the late reply.
In order to offer propor price for propor goods, can you provide us more information like quality(specs), packing
details, and your special requirements etc. So that we can quote you our price accordingly.
Thanks a lot.
Looking forward to your early reply.
Best regards,
David Xing
COMING NEXT: We talk California
politics!
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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