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Lunatic Ravings!
As promised a couple of weeks ago, I am going to share my vacation with the world with the hope that my journey will bring some peace and understanding so that we can all just get along. Or, it's just a cheap way to write a column since I have no other thoughts in my head. So, here goes: Thursday---Wanted to leave at 6 am to beat the traffic. Good plan, but thwarted by the discovery of a nail in the tire as we exited the grocery store with necessary purchases of ice, Cheerios and paper towels. Drove around trying to find a place that could fix a tire and, of course, the only place that opened the earliest was Wal Mart so there we went. Even though they opened at 7:30, we didn't hit the road until 9 since there was a Cadillac that held more importance than us. Nice rest areas on the trip. California takes pride in their rest stops. Not that I had to pee or anything so I can't judge the toilet facilities, but the outsides were grand and had enough room for me to smoke. Reached the hotel around 2 pm. Didn't realize that we were in a foreign neighborhood since all the billboards were in a strange language. No matter, we were on the 8th floor so I had a great view of hookers and drug dealers so I was reasonably safe. However with that crazy fear of heights I have, I crawled out to the balcony and sat down so in case it happened to fall l would at least a little bit comfortable. Went down to the ocean and found a beached whale. I instructed the people hanging around to call the proper authorities and when they left I began slicing off chunks of whale meat. Now I have about 6 tons of whale jerky. Want to buy some? Went to a bar on the beach so that I could drink. I made fun of tourists with the bartender, until I mentioned that I was from Nevada. He beat me with an axe handle until I could take it no more and had to leave. I love California!!! Friday---Went to Hollywood. Went to pee somewhere on Hollywood Boulevard and was suckered into being a member of the audience for a taping of "Extra". We were instructed to act all excited when they were interviewing Tracy Morgan and others about a new television program. Just look for the guy with long hair with sweat dripping down his face and that's me. There was some guy who was there who was supposed to make us comfortable by telling us jokes and other shit like that and he actually told me that it looked like I needed a sweat rag. What a dick. Decided that we would act like tourists and take one of those bus tours. I won a lollipop by answering a question correctly and so did Connie. The tour guy didn't let us answer any more questions because we were way too smart. I think he was afraid that we were going to try and take over his job. BASTARD! Saw a anorexic model on a photo shoot and I tried to take a picture but the camera decided it didn't want to so I lost out. Did see the Cunningham house from "Happy Days" and that's about all I can remember. Tried taking a picture of Wonder Woman in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater but she wanted a tip. So I took her picture from what I thought was a safe distance but was spotted by Obi Wan Kenobi, Batman, Robin and a hooker on a 15 minute break and was chased up and down the Hollywood Walk of Fame until we remembered where we parked and made a quick getaway. Went to an Angels game and discovered that it was Mormon Family Night. They are so poor that they had to sit in the nosebleed section which just happened to be directly across from our seats in their white shirts and black pants. This drove me to drink a shitload of $6.50 beer. One Mormon sitting at the top of the stadium was holding up a sign that read "Jebediah 18:11". Someone asked what it meant and since I am very knowledgeable in the Mormon way I let our whole section know that it means "Kill all the non-Mormons for they are weak yet wired on caffeine". This didn't sit too well with those that were completely blitzed on expensive, watery beer so during the 7th inning stretch a bunch of Mormons just happened to fall out of the stands. Deborah Foreman did not show up. What a bummer. Saturday---Went to the "WORLD FAMOUS" San Diego Zoo. Okay, it's a fucking zoo. That's all it was. Nothing special about a bunch of animals sleeping. Plus, there were no elephants and only 2 tigers. World famous my ass. Went back to the hotel area and drowned my sorrows in beer. Went back to the hotel and watched "Cops" and then went to sleep. Sunday---Drove back to Vegas. We are going back to California next year. I have some unfinished business in Hollywood. COMING NEXT---I answer some email! Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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