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Lunatic Ravings!
In 2 days I'll be heading to Hollywood, CA. Some of you might be thinking, "Well, that's all grand and good but I'm scared because I know you and just have this gut feeling that you're going to kidnap some big star and make them into your slave which wouldn't really be a bad thing the more that I think about it, but it could be taken in the wrong context be the fine law enforcement officers in the state of California." Then again, some of you might be thinking, "Who gives a shit that you're going to California/ I sure don't. As a matter of fact, I hope you stop in a rest area and are mauled by a bear and a cougar and then lit on fire by a bunch of renegade deflowered nuns and then mauled some more by a trucker with an Oedipus complex." And, of course, there are some of you thinking, "I wish I were just like Stephen so that I can also go to California but that house arrest thing has got me really bogged down for the moment but when they find out that it was just a harmless mixup and it only looked like I was having sex with that dead squirrel in the local park then I'll be free. Free!" Why am I going to CA? Because I can plus I have the opportunity to be an extra in a movie! That's right, my mug is going to be on the big screen. The way I have it figured, I just need to either sneak into a movie studio somewhere and infiltrate any movie that is currently being shot and act as if I belong in any scene featuring a small crowd of folks or I could take a studio tour and get picked out of the crowd because "I'm exactly what they're looking for" and find myself in a pie throwing scene, exactly like what happened to the Brady's except for Mike who was pissed off because he was a Shakespearean actor and it was below his dignity to play the father of 6 unruly children in a damn television series. If those don't work out, then I'll just find a porno movie being shot and try to sneak onto the set so that I can get some good Polaroids of naked women and sell them to Bob and others who like that sort of stuff. If that fails, then I'm going to stroll the streets of Beverly Hills with one of those Burger King drive-up window headsets attached to my skull so that I can pretend I'm a Hollywood bigwig. I can scream stuff like "She doesn't want to do a topless scene? Fire the bitch!" or "I don't give a damn about history, if I say that the Germans attacked Pearl Harbor then they attacked Pearl Harbor! How the fuck are we going to get people to see 'Pearl Harbor 2: The Coming Reckoning' if you don't give me something to use?" or "Tell George that I think it's a bad idea to have naked clog dancers in the next 'Star Wars'" or even "I think we can nuke Nebraska and nobody would care plus it would be cheaper than using CGI". Maybe I'll just go to a baseball game and wander around Hollywood like a fucking tourist. I can always dream though, like hoping that Deborah Foreman goes to watch the Angels play the A's on Friday, 7/25/03, and just happen to go to section T201, row H seat 13 and sit with me for a while so that I can ask her some really stupid questions. COMING NEXT: What DID happen in Hollywood. Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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