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Lunatic Ravings!
There's probably nothing better than sitting on your front porch all day long with nothing but a couple cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a large Tupperware bowl filled to the rim with pigs in a blanket. Eight o'clock in the morning and I'm out there watching with a careful eye as the elementary school kids walk on by. They set one foot in my yard, I let 'em know that they're making a grave mistake and they damn well not do it again. However, I just have this sneaky suspicion that they run from the school and stomp around in my front yard whenever I have to go inside for a piss break and then run laughing back to school. Some of the parents that walk their kids to school don't like my attitude for some reason. My belief is that eventually the kid is going to learn what the phrase "midget shithead" means and it might as well come at an early age since that's when a kids brain is the most spongelike. Those pigs in a blanket aren't just for eating either. They make a good object to throw at mini vans and SUV's when they refuse to follow the 15 MPH speed limit posted in front of my domicile. Halfway through the morning the street is littered with mangled pigs in a blanket and I'm forced to get up and clean them from the street because if I don't, then the neighborhood Nazi Big Brother Association will come knocking at my door just dying to levy some sort of fine on my ass. I also like to be the first one in my neighborhood to get my mail, so I keep a watchful eye on the communal post box across the street, and as soon as the mailman is done filling it up, I'm there. And a good thing too, because I recently received 75 tins from AOL begging me to try their new 8.0 service. I've seen the commercial for AOL 8.0 and it seems that only the pretty people use this service. Just to make sure they didn't mistakenly send a bunch of metal tins to the wrong person, I called them up because that's my civic duty. As I sat on hold, I started to play around with the tins. I had a thought in the back of my head about how I could use the tins, but wasn't 100% sure what the actual thought was, so I grabbed some duct tape and super glue and started to build. I just knew that this would be as good, if not better, than building a mash potato alien landing mountain like that guy did in that movie. AOL finally answered and I told them about he 70 tins I received and how I felt that it was a mistake since I wasn't a pretty person. The AOL rep apologized for any inconvenience, since that's what they have to do, and promised me that I would no longer receive any more tins. The fact that I wasn't a pretty person wasn't mentioned by the rep, but I knew that they were disgusted that someone like me could actually get something from AOL (a Time Warner company). When I hung up the phone I discovered that I had actually built a homeless shelter with the tins, duct tape and glue. I put it in the trunk of my car and went downtown pleased that I was finally going to be able to help the less fortunate. I found a fairly clean, abandoned lot downtown and set up the homeless shelter. I posted a sign that stated "Only Crack Whores Allowed" since I figured that I could clean them up and start pimping them out for a substantial profit, because there was no way in hell that they could look as bad as all those crack whores featured in "Cops". I fell asleep in the shelter and was dreaming of Crack Whore City, where I was the mayor, and Crack Whore Theme Park was raking in the big bucks when I was awakened by someone screaming "Where's the franks and beans? What kind of shelter is this without any franks and beans?" When I opened my eyes I saw that "Cops" was right on the money when it comes to crack whores. I ran from the shelter and drove home thanking AOL over and over for ruining my dreams. Now I'm back to sitting on my front porch with a couple of cases of Pabst and a bowl of pigs in a blanket just waiting for my next big idea. COMING NEXT: A Shakespeare recital Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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