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Lunatic Ravings!
I have been slacking off on my television watching habits the last 4 weeks or so because I was so consumed with my hatred of Bob. Now that I have that out of my system, I can now enjoy the tv and have noticed quite a few things that will probably affect the way the world revolves on it's axis causing our planet we call earth to become unbalanced and head on a doomsday path straight into the sun. Did you know that in the new Disney DVD/VHS Mowgli is on his greatest adventure EVER? That's a pretty piss poor selling point if you ask me (and you are) since poor Mowgli was only on one previous adventure so what Disney is saying is that the original "Jungle Book" is worthless. That is until they re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-release it in it's 3-D, aromavision. XXX rated version, then that will be the greatest adventure. Until "Jungle Book 2" is re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-released in touchyfeely-o-vision with a $1.00 coupon for Duracell batteries yours for the taking as long as you send in the proof of purchase, your first born virgin child and a pack of smokes, and then that will be classified as Mowgli's greatest adventure. I think Disney has something against Indian children so I'm thinking a lawsuit here because all that they're doing is confusing the poor Mowgli's of the world. And now John Stamos is a spokesman for one of those 10-10 numbers and this wouldn't be happening if those twin bitches weren't the spawn of a leech and a hyena because we all know that John was the star of "Full House" but they used some deep south mumbo jumbo hex shit on him and look where they are and he is now. He's got a lawsuit too, as long as he can shake the curse. There's also some sort of peace summit happening but I don't know a lot about what's actually happening because I want to become a part of that service where I can have someone give me directions to a local clothes shop or remind me of an important date, like an anniversary, because I'm too lazy to look something up (like a address) or to stupid to remember a date that's supposed to have some sort of personal importance. I just hope my theory is wrong and that one of the voices on this commercial is not that of the ex governor of Minnesota. That would be a definite sign of the coming of the apocalypse. I can order a CD advertised on tv for $19.99 + $4.95 shipping & handling, and I'll also get a free poster/keychain/cd holder. Or I can go to a local retailer and get the same CD for $14.99. What to do? Did you know that there is a sequel to the worst movie of all time coming to your local multiplex? That's right, soon you can get minutes of an actual attempt at movie making along with 30+ minutes of slow motion because the writers ran out of ideas when "Charlies Angels: Full Throttle" is released. There is probably no better way to waste 9 bucks, unless they're having a $9.00 lobotomy special at a nearby hospital. Yep, the end of the world in nigh, but at least we have a whore working for us now. Of course Bob was the first to mention this in his last column, but that's only because he likes the whores. Don't let his family man persona fool you. COMING NEXT: And I like the whores too! . Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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