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Lunatic Ravings!
Lunatic Ravings - 05/26/03
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday
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Widespread Panic---"Ball"
Part 3 of
why I hate Bob
or
Hazing? They call that hazing? I remember what real hazing was like back in high school. Real hazing involved a
shiv and a well placed poke into the hazee's abdomen when they were least expecting it. No video cameras back then
to capture the haze, only an ambulance ride to the hospital and a couple of days on life support in the ICU. THAT
was hazing.
Bob continued his training for a little while until he noticed that his training funds were running low. Since
he was always the type of person to make a buck in the easiest way possible, Bob decided he would sell the Russians
an American secret or two.
He drove down to Mexico and met with a representative from the Russian embassy. Bob told the representative that
he had a gizmo that would propel Russia a few years ahead of every other country but the cost wold be steep.
The Russian rep played hardball and demanded to know what the object was before money was discussed, but Bob held
firm. Finally, after intense negotiations, Bob managed to weasel $400.00 out of the Russians. In turn Bob gave
them the blueprint for the George Foreman grill.
As Bob crossed the border back into the US, he was apprehended by the authorities and thrown into a Turkish prison.
There he was put to work turning a large wheel that ground corn into Twinkie ingredients. None of the wheel turners
were allowed to sleep or take a break and soon Bob was the only person left alive turning the wheel.
Bob was purchased by a passing merchant and was trained to fight in the Thunderdome. This didn't last too long
since most people found the Thunderdome quite boring so Bob was granted his freedom. Then he started seeing dead
people.
He decided to get a real job and started working at a local hair salon. His dead sensing scared a lot of people
who claimed he was a witch but then a kindly doctor discovered that Bob had a brain tumor the size of a watermelon
that caused him to think that he could see the dead.
With the support of the local townspeople enough money was raised for the removal of the tumor. The only problem
was that Bob didn't really have a tumor, especially one the size of a watermelon, but the townspeople were too
stupid to realize that a person with a tumor that large would actually have a bullom head, and Bob's head has always
been the size of a volleyball which is a far, far cry from a bullom head.
The townspeople never saw Bob again because he left in the middle of the night with the donated money. This caused
many of the townspeople to really believe he was a witch because they thought that only witches could disappear
in the middle of the night.
Now it was crunch time because Bob had only 24 hours until the big fight.
COMING NEXT: The grand
finale!
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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