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Lunatic Ravings!
Lunatic Ravings - 05/12/03
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday
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Anthrax---"We've
Come For You All"
Part 3 of
Why
I
Hate
Bob
OR
Section 1a.3733983
Bob decided that he would take a boat back to America so that he could practice boxing. His reasoning was that
even though a plane was quicker, there wasn't much room to practice.
He immediately struck up a kind of friendship with the ship's crew bordering on tolerance. He especially liked
hanging around with the bartender because he always greeted Bob with a nifty hand gesture. The captain was okay
in Bob's book because he drank quite a bit but managed to navigate the boat as well as any drunk would.
The program director was a small breasted woman that Bob really fell for. She saw his expertise playing shuffleboard
and fell for him. Soon they were having sex all over the boat much to the annoyance of the other passengers, the
ship's doctor, the captain's daughter and the numerous guest stars.
One night, Bob and the program director decided to get it on in a car parked below deck. During their groping and
pawing, the parking brake was disengaged and the car started to roll. The car came to a stop on the weakest part
of the ship and it crashed through 80 floors and through the bottom of the boat.
The captain, in a drunken state, freaked out and steered the ship into an iceberg. The boat quickly sank but Bob
was safe since the car he was in just happened to be a VW Beetle which has fantastic buoyancy.
Bob convinced the program director to jump out of the car into the freezing water because he figured that her 60
pounds would only make the car that much heavier which would case the car to sink sooner rather than later.
The car DID remain buoyant but wasn't moving at all. Bob decided that he needed an something to paddle wit so he
exited the vehicle in order to find a piece of wood or maybe even an oar.
While looking for a paddling object, the VW decided that physics really don't lie so it sank. Bob did try to find
something to hold onto but all the good wood was taken. He noticed a plump lady floating facedown in the water,
so he hopped on her back and they floated away.
He finally landed on an uninhabited island. He immediately started to strip the skin off the plump woman and laid
it on the beach to dry out in the sun. What he didn't realize was that the woman was still very much alive and
was very pissed that he had yanked off all the skin from her legs.
He tried to apologize but she was an upper class plump woman and would have nothing to do with his apology. So
Bob killed her.
Later that same day, a small crate washed ashore. Bob thought it might be seasoning which he desperately needed
for his human jerky, but it was only a crate filled with tubes of anal lubricant.
Lonely and confused, Bob named each tube of lubricant and pretended he was out on a family outing. This must have
kept Bob sane since he was completely lucid when he was rescued a couple of hours later by a passing gang of water
skiers and 45 minutes later he was back home.
End of Part 3.
COMING NEXT: Part 4 or
the death of Pepsi One.
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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