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Lunatic Ravings!
A lot of people have asked me why I hate Bob so much. Some people think that I am faking my hate for him so that I can write something degrading about him every so often so that they can laugh. That's not true. I absolutely loathe Bob and now, for the first time ever, I am going to tell the story of how and when the hate started and why it continues to this day. Everything started to come together when I cut Mr. Fists' history class. Since the principal was such good friends with the principal, I couldn't get away with shit, so I was ordered to go to Saturday detention at the school. This scared me because I could only imagine the kids that would be in detention. I always assumed it would be members of the Airplanes, the obligatory school gang. These hoodlums would carry around knives and poolsticks, but instead of using them in a fight, they would snap their fingers and dance which caused the kids who crossed the Airplanes to run away crying and scarred for life. I expected the worst in detention, but was surprised when I found a jock, a druggie, a brainiac, a girl who thought she should be a beauty queen and this other unwashed chick who reminded me of a witch on a constant period. I got along famously with the other detentionees and joined in on their many shenanigans. I left school that day feeling a bond with my new friends that would never be broken. However, when I got home and told my parents about my fun filled day, they figured that I was a lost cause and sent me off to an orphanage. I think that this was just an excuse for them since a Japanese exchange student named Big Monkey Dick was staying with us and my parents felt he was more deserving of a room and bed than I was. So, off to the orphanage I went. At first it was different hanging out with kids who wouldn't accept only one bowl of porridge, but I got used to it and found myself eating upwards of 8 bowls of porridge a day. The monks in the orphanage taught me many great things that I use to this day. They taught me a little known Oriental thing called Tae-Bo which, if this were a perfect world, would be a monstrous hit statewide. But the monks have a tendency to keep things to themselves, so I am one of the few lucky ones. Shit, to this day I can still walk on water all because of the Tae-Bo. When I was 18 years old, a 20 year old boy was brought to the orphanage. His name was Bob and his parents had decided to ge rid of him because he wouldn't get a real job. He wanted to become a famous boxer, but wasn't getting anywhere because he wasn't that good. When Bob was dropped off, he only brought the clothes on his back, an aquarium with a couple of dead snails and a picture of some rather homely girl that worked in a pet store. Bob and I quickly became best friends and I taught him some of the things I had learned from the the monks and he taught me a few things about boxing. Every night we would go to the local boxing gym and Bob would work out. He still had some kinks to work out since he had the tendency to get the shit kicked out of him within the first minute of any sparring match he was in, but he had the drive, desire and that eye of the newt every boxer strives for. Then, things changed. A world champion boxer just happened to visit the gym one night when Bob was working out and he told his manager that he thought it would be a great idea for Bob to fight him for the title in our town. End of Part 1 COMING NEXT: Part 2? Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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