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Lunatic Ravings!
A little word of advice: Never, EVER get completely shitfaced on beer and Stouffer's Family Size Macaroni and Cheese one night and go to your vacationing neighbor's backyard and string up trip wires because chances are when they come back and have a birthday party, the laughing and singing will be interrupted by a series of loud explosions and screams completely ruining the festive mood. At least that's what I've been told. I've been watching this Iraqi War from day 1 and I am a little bit confused. Our people are telling me that we're in and around Baghdad, yet the Iraqi Information dude is telling me that we are nowhere near Baghdad and that we might not even be in their country. This makes me think that since the Gulf War those Iraqi people have been very, very busy. The must have figured something was going to happen so they spent 10+ years building roads with fake directional signs plus built an exact replica of Baghdad somewhere in the desert. That's completely amazing! People would actually build a city in the middle of a desert just to fuck with our minds! No wonder Sadaam didn't take me up on my offer. (If you don't know what the offer was, you obviously don't care enough about me to read what I write every week so you can just go to hell.) Will someone please send Melissa some money so she can get back to Ireland? Now she's starting to ask me stupid questions about stupid things because she's bored. Remember, she doesn't wear any underwear, plus she "experimented" in college. She wants to know why gum doesn't stick to the side of the car when you spit it out the window. This is what I have to deal with and I have no choice but to answer her questions because I think she has something on me so I have to bow down to her and meet all of her demands. The reason that gum doesn't stick to the side of a car is because cars are made out of metal. Gum is made out of a variety of ingredients including (but not limited to) oil, baby powder, glass, finely shredded paper towels, dry candle wax, dried bat shit, ground pig kidney and paint thinner. Take any of the ingredients listed above and place it, or them, on the hood of your car and drive off. You will notice that none of those ingredients will not stay on for long. You might think I'm kidding about the ingredients of gum because you have a pack of gum with you right now and you don't see any of those ingredients that I mentioned listed on your package. That's because the gum business is controlled by the French because they have the bat shit market cornered and they aren't too good in the translation department so "glass" shows up as "sugar" on your packet of gum. COMING NEXT: Something more. Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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