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Lunatic Ravings!
The email I posted last week from Ron Harding apparently struck a cord with Melissa, the chicken pimpess (pimpette?), who sent me this wonderful email: "Please let Ron Harding know that I will be forwarding 10,000 pounds of Corn and Tobacco to his account ASAP! I will also be throwing in 20,000 pounds of chicken - doodie. PS - You mean to tell me that all I had to do to make more money was to send out an e-mail begging for it! Stephen, how could you not tell me about this sooner ??? Now I feel pretty stupid standing on the side of the road next to a van, that in direct sunlight, emits lead based paint fumes and overalls covered in feathers and chicken jizz! : ( God Bless Ron, Melissa B." What a thoughtful human she is. Ron is down in the dumps and Melissa is willing to help him out of his downwards spiral by offering him some of her hard earned gains. Yet she is a little bit upset. I can tell because she inserted a : (. The last thing I want is for Melissa to feel : (. When she's : ), then I'm : ) and the whole world is : O because they can't believe that a couple of people can be : ). What I haven't told Melissa is that chicken jizz is great for younger looking skin! Plus, inhaling lead based pain fumes is great for the respiratory tract and the digestive system. That's something that you can't get from sending out an email asking for money. But, enough about Melissa. I sent Ron the following email so that he would know what riches could be coming his way: "All of us at www.theweirdcrap.com feel your pain. Not literally, but figuratively of course, because if we could actually FEEL your pain that would make us superstars. Being a superstar comes with too much baggage, so just BELIEVE that we feel your pain. To help alleviate your pain, Melissa, our chicken pimpess, is offering you some corn, tobacco and chicken poo. We think sending money is way too blase, so we want to send you something a little bit different. Would this be okay? Just be strong, little buckaroo. Things can only get better." I haven't heard back from Ron, which makes me wonder if his email was just a scam. I doubt somebody would stoop that low, but you never know, I guess. Melissa was a little bit pissed off when she read what I has sent to Ron: "Why would you tell Ron that things will get better......you shouldn't lie you could wind up in hell with me.....Things WON'T get better, the sooner he accepts it the quicker he will understand why his wife will leave him for someone that isn't bankrupt." Now, that's some fucked up nasty shit from Melissa. Obviously she's caught some of that Nebraskativity which makes people cranky and out of sorts. Maybe the chicken pimping business really isn't for her. Somehow we must rescue her from Nebraska and the pimping business and get her a "real" job. And, of course, I know what that just might be. I do wonder about all these people that are protesting the possibility of war with Iraq. I'm neither pro or con, but I'm still a little bit miffed that Sadaam hasn't taken me up on my offer yet. I see hundreds of people protesting on normal work/school days and just wonder if they really know what they're protesting or if it's just mob mentality or peer pressure. It's really cute seeing a trio of women walking arm in arm singing a song with some sort of phallic looking thing hanging between their legs. Hey, whatever makes them happy, but what was the point? What's my point? I have no idea. I can guarantee that a couple of those college kids that are protesting are just pissed because the gas prices have risen due to the possibility of a war and now they're very pissed off and really want to let their voice be heard because they have to waste most of their allowance filling the tank of the SUV which they received as a high school graduation present from their parents instead of spending their allowance on something more important like pizza, beer, condoms and Ecstasy. Oh well. COMING NEXT: I make an offer to Melissa. (And you too. You could be rich!) Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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