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Lunatic Ravings!
In case you're keeping score, last week's CD was Styx-"Cyclorama". Forsome ungodly reason, our dumbass webmaster decided to cut and paste most of what I sent, but not all. What a dumb fuckity-fuck he surely is. No matter. I received an update from Melissa B. who is out in the field pimping chickens. (If you're confused, check out my 1/6/03, 1/13/03 and 1/20/03 columns.) She actually took some time off from her busy schedule to keep us informed about her new career. She's a spunky lass indeed! Hello: I thought that I would drop you a line and let you know how the chicken pimping business is going: I was only caught once so far, I managed to distract the Trooper with something shiny and make a get away worthy of Hollywood! dust and feathers flying everywhere--- Beautiful....! I did have to paint the van with black house paint & a roller so they wouldn't recognize it. later that turned out to be a good thing because a van that is painted with black house paint is a status symbol out here! I get a lot of respect from the " Chicken John's" ! I have been feeling a little dumber lately, I have termed this phenomenon : THE DUMBINING! There are not a whole lot of high school graduates ( not even 6th grade graduates ) in this line of work. The "chicken john's" do not have a firm grasp of the English language, but I am adjusting... they talk slow, so I eventually get their order. I have taken to reading the dictionary while the chickens " Do it", I don't want to lose my edge over the locals, and it distracts me from all of the Chicken sex. I read your article from the end of January concerning your fear of me ratting you out to the authorities. I just want you to know that I WOULD NEVER DO THAT! your advice changed my life, and I owe you one - I have no stress at all with this job !!!! my hair has even grown back.. Thank you! Melissa PS: Although business is booming, I have been getting paid in CORN & "TEBACKE" ( Tobacco ) ... do you know the current cash conversion rate for these things?" That's what makes the USA such a great country. Here's someone who found herself in a dead end job and decided to grab the bull by the horns and do something about it. As you can tell, she is very successful in her new job and it makes me weep with joy. I didn't tell her the current conversion rate of corn and tobacco. I decided that was something she would have to figure out herself. That's also the American way. However my happiness for Melissa ended when I received the following email from Rod Harding: From: Rod Harding deerod@shaw.ca Subject: Help Needed This is not a internet scam I just need help!!! I lost everything two days ago and want to try and keep my house We just had a baby on feb 9th and I dont know what else to do other than ask for donations its not like I am a free loader I have a job and have had one all my life but I tried to better myself and open a restaraunt it didnt work and I had to cliam Bankrutpacy. I dont want to lose everything so I am asking for help. I set up a stormpay acct in my name Rod harding at stormpay. I will not be sending out anymore emails to you so if you cant help thanks anyway just disregard this email. As I said I dont know what else to do. NEVER SEND SPAM. IT IS BAD. Fuck me. That is just the saddest thing I have ever read. It's bad enough when someone has to claim bankruptcy, but when they have to claim 'Bankrutpacy", well, that's even worse. We all need to help this poor gentleman out. Let's all give him some money to help him out in his time of hardship. We can do it! Sure, there's some of you out there who might think that Rod is trying to pull some sort of scam. I say, "NO WAY!" If he really was trying to scam us, would he include those last 2 sentences, (especially in CAPS!) if he wasn't legit? I say not. I feel for you Rod. My money is on it's way to you now. You just need to remain strong, my little buckaroo. We'll get you through your hardship, and we'll do it for the sake of your new baby. Really. Remember: "NEVER SEND SPAM. IT IS BAD." That's going to be the catchphrase of 2003. I can feel it! COMING NEXT: I have a change of heart. Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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