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Lunatic Ravings!
A couple of you might be wondering why I decided to take last week off without any forewarning. A few of you might not be wondering why I took last week off because you don't really care about what I do. For those of you who do care, blame the water company for they are the one that put a note on my front door stating that I had used an unusually large amount of water the previous month so there was a possibility that I had a leak somewhere. Since I received this note about the same time that I was making an offer to Sadaam, I kind of figured that the government was curious about why I would make ANY offer to Sadaam so they sent a "representative" from the "water company" over to my homestead to make sure I didn't have any unwanted, propaganda filled leaflets lying around or a couple of foreign country flags flying from a flagpole in my front yard (which is against the homeowner associations law). Feeling mostly paranoid, I watched my step. I only watched good old American television programming, watched the Rambo trilogy over and over, and listened to 100% American music. Yet a part of me felt that it really was a real note from the real water company, so I decided to heed their advice and watched my water use. I peed only twice a day and washed all clothes in one load. I cooked everything without water, using wine instead. Hell, if they were trying to help me, I would do my damnedest to be a good water citizen. A few days of this went by and then I noticed that the front yard had turned into a swamp. This was not good. I first blamed my neighbors for dumping water in our yard, but figured that this was absolutely ludicrous, and probably a side effect of little water usage. I pondered on what the cause might be and finally decided that I should dig a hole in the yeard to try and figure where the water was coming from. So, I found a puddle of water on the side of the house and starting digging. Sure enough, about 6 inches down was a water pipe with water spraying from a couple of holes. I dug deeper until I had a hole about 1' deep and 2' wide. I cut the pipe and went to Home Depot to get a cap and some blue glue-like shit that you put on the pipe and the leak was fixed and my life was back to normal. (Okay. I didn't fix it. Someone else did since I don't know squat about fixing leaks or other crap like that. I did dig the hole though.) The next day I heard a scream from the side of my house and I ran outside and found that one of the neighbor's kids had fallen down the hole that I had dug and couldn't get out. I went next door and told the lady there that her kid had fallen down a hole I had dug and couldn't get out. She started to cry since she couldn't help because she was born with no arms so I told her to call the fire department and they would come and rescue her kid since there was no way in hell I was touching him because he was dirty and I had just showered. I watched as she used her nose to dial the fire department and they soon arrived along with the local NBC affiliate plus a couple of cable news channels who needed a special story since it was such a slow news day. All in all, the rescue took about 3 minutes, and the news channels got a nice little human interest story, but I declined to be interviewed because I felt that the government put the hole in the pipe in order to monitor my movement and being interviewed on television would be the worst mistake I could ever make. That's why I took last week off. Really. COMING NEXT: A fantastically offensive idea for a new reality tv show! Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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