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Lunatic Ravings!
Times a-running out for Sadaam in more ways than one. He better get his ass in gear, drop everything he's doing and/or contemplating and respond to me or I swear I will just go ahead and copyright "The Mother of All Wars 2". What am I going to do when he doesn't heed my advice and accidentally uses my copyrighted phrase in one of his tv appearances? Why, I'm going to sue him cause, by golly, that's the American way! Whooo-hooo!! Of course I haven't just sat around awaiting a reply from Sadaam. I purchased one of those alpaca's advertised on tv, since everyone gives those creatures such high marks. When the crate arrived, I immediately opened it since I wanted to get to know this docile creature and build a lasting bond. It seemed a bit lethargic like it had been drugged when I finally jackhammered the crate open, but I expected this since it came from a far away alpaca land. There was a set of instructions included, but I didn't need those. I tend to figure things out myself and felt that as long as I fed and watered my new alpaca buddy, everything would be okay. In the commercial, I noticed that all of the alpacas were walking and frolicking on grass. Since I live in Nevada and grass is not widespread, I decided that I would feed it cat food since cats like to eat grass and also like to eat cat food. I assumed there is an ingredient common to both. Well, as soon as the alpaca ate a few Kaboodles, it became suddenly alert and jumped over the dividing wall and started attacking my neighbors who were having a barbecue. When the screams started I ran inside and got my trusty high-powered dart gun and loaded it with an alpaca sedative which I just happened to have handy. Outside, I took aim at the alpaca who saw what I was doing and quickly ducked so when I fired I missed it and hit my neighbor. The sedative must have been one of those fast acting ones because he immediately fell to the ground and lay still. The alpaca turned towards me and just stared as if it was begging me to try to shoot at it again. I most certainly would have but I didn't have another alpaca sedative. The alpaca must have sensed this because it snorted as if it was laughing at me and then it jumped over my neighbors wall and I haven't seen it since. Now there's a crazed alpaca on the loose in Nevada so we're probably all doomed. Like it's all MY fault. COMING NEXT: The biggest breakthru for women in years? I investigate. Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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