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Lunatic Ravings!
I was hoping for something big to happen at the beginning of this new year, like the Y2K bug finally popping it's head out of it's ass and fucking up all the computers, but that never came to be. Instead the biggest happening so far in 2003 was actually in Lincoln, Nebraska where it's now illegal to own a live rooster. When I first hear this, I laughed. Then I felt a little bit bad about laughing so I laughed about my stupid feelings and then I felt bad again because, without roosters, Lincoln, Nebraska will cease to exist. Then I thought about that and I laughed because there really is no good reason why it exists in the first place. But there's some people there that take pride in their "city", but now they're wondering what to do without their roosters. Sure, sheep are good for the menfolk when the female of their species are out shopping, but roosters are so much better because they have a tendency to put up much more of a fight than the soft, cuddly sheep. Another alarming fact about the rooster banishment is the fact that electricity is only available in a very few, select sections of Nebraska. Lincoln is not one of those sections. Dousing a rooster in gasoline and lighting it on fire was much more economical than buying candles every week. Plus the rooster had the added benefit of being a fairly good alarm clock. Now, without the roosters and electricity, Lincoln, Nebraska will soon become a ghost town since all the farmers will not know when to wake up. Luckily, I know someone who knows someone who lives in Lincoln and they actually own a phone so I was able to get a firsthand opinion on what it would be like to live in a roosterless society. ME: Hi. My name is Sam and I work for a prestigious, worldwide known news organization and I have a few questions I would like to ask about the law banning roosters in your city. CHET in Lincoln: And what news organization is that? ME: Oh, never you mind! CHET in Lincoln: (laughs) I guess it is none of my business. Yep, it's true. No more roosters allowed here. ME: I guess that kinda sucks, huh? CHET in Lincoln: Ayuh. (HOLY SHIT! I only thought people in Steven King books said that!) ME: Yeah. Yeah. Well, um, what are you going to do now? CHET in Lincoln: Well, I don't know. ME: I see. CHET in Lincoln: I still have some chickens. ME: That's good. CHET in Lincoln: Yeah. ME: So how is this rooster law going to effect your life? CHET in Lincoln: Well, I don't know if I'll be able to get a good bowl of stew from Applebee's anymore. ME: I see. You really forgot why I called, didn't you? CHET in Lincoln: Yeah. ME: Okay. Bye. And that was it. I didn't wait for a response from him because I had to pee really bad. But, as you can tell, the rooster law has basically caused the residents to give up on life. Sadly, it's roosters now and soon it will be llamas and wolverines. This is the same thing that happened to the residents of Atlantis and look what happened to their patch of land. But, what can you do? That's right. Nothing. Hell, it's only Lincoln, Nebraska. Not exactly tourist central. However, when it does sink like Atlantis, then we can all load up our SUV's with our kiddies and drive across the country in order to see the big gaping hole in the middle of the U.S. And we can all thank the roosters (or absence of) for that. COMING NEXT: I'll show you mine. Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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