|
|
|
| This Week's |  |
| | | | | | | Add To Your Site! . |
|
| Commentaries: |  |
|
|
Ask Bob!
"I want a new drug, one that doesn't make me stay up at night, one that doesn't make my eyes too red..." - Heuy Lewis and the News - Jim from Los Angeles writes, So what did you do this weekended.? Dear Jim, I'm just like any other guy and I like to have a good time and enjoy my holidays, so when my wife asked me, Bob Senitram, If I wanted to visit her relatives...I said, "Hell no." She accepted that answer and left me home alone for the whole weekend. Naturally I took advantage of this extra time to do the things I like to do...like nothing. But I did manage to watch a little television, and I, Bob Senitram, had the wonderful opportunity to watch a movie classic, that I, Bob Senitram, had never seen before, called, "Conquest of the Planet of the Apes!" I was amazed to see the crazy gadgets that the future has in store for us all! For example, in the future, doorways will not be rectangular. Superior arcitecure will allow us to have crazy shaped doors that are anything but square. We will also have telephones that don't have cords! But that's nothing compared to the "see-thru-plastic-chairs!" This vision of the future set my hear straight and I knew everything was going to be alright. Then I realized that this film was made twenty years ago, and the story took place twenty years in the future...which would be now...I think. So then I look at my chair and it is not see-thru-plastic. The computers on the movie were composed of twenty "Lite Brites" all smartely arranged...I look at my computer and only see one light! Then I also realize that we are not currently using Apes as slave labor. This really pissed me off because now I know that there is no hope for the future because the future is now...or least it was twenty years ago...or it was going to be...I think. Oh hell, at least they got the phones right. Anyways, I don't like where this column is going and I have begun to bore myself. Instead I, Bob Senitram, will tell you about my new money making idea. It all started with what I like to call, "The Big Beef Blow-out." I had a nice tasty beef barbeque sandwich from a place here in Omaha called, "Popular Jim's Barbeque." It tasted real nice, a lot of fat in the meat, but real nice. So I go back to work and everythings nice and fine. Then, about an hour or so later my stomach is guthin' up somethin' real fierce! I got rumblin' and grumblin' and gurgling. It felt like someone put a live gerbil put up my ass, and then the gerbil decided to crawl up the large intestines into my stomach and is now tryin' to claw his way out, through my belly button. Now the bathroom at work is adjacent to about twenty workers and they are all prissy-fine-to-do-folks. They would definitely turn their noses to me if they heard what the rock had cookin' that day. So I go down the hall and commence with the big beef blow-out in private. My innerds shot out that half digested barbeque with such force that water went and splashed up, and got the back of my shirt all wet. Lucky for me I was able to wash out the funk in the sink and dry my shirt with the hand dryer thingy. Driving home that day, it starts up again! I'm fairly confident it's just gas, so I lift up my right butt cheek and let it out...so far so good. All is fine till I get out of the car and detect a bit of moisture on my bum. I rush into the house and inspect my underwear...Some residue from the beef blow-out went and sprayed on my undies leaving a wonderful butt-print...or what I like to call...a fart-o-graph. And now you know! COMING NEXT: How to make money with Fartography! Email Bob! webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
|
|||||||||||||||||
|
|
||||||||||||||||||
|
| | | | | | © 2002 by TheWeirdcrap.com - "Insanity has found a home." |
