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 Bob Sez - 8/17/01
By Bob Senitram
Published each Friday
My wife told me that her parents found a cat with a litter of kittens under their
tool shed. She thought we should adopt one, but I thought it would be cheaper to just buy a gallon of gasoline
and give 'em a good dousing. She said I shouldn't do that.
So when she went to church with her parents this last Sunday, I walked down to her folks house with a gas can.
It was empty so I had to stop by the Convenient Mart to fill 'er up.
"Getin' gas for the lawn?" The bucktoothed attendant asked.
"Naw, I'm gonna soak up some kitties an' torch 'em. I do it all the time." I said matter-of-factly.
"You shouldn't even kid about stuff like that."
"Who's kidding?"
I paid for the gas.
So, I'm standing in front of them kitties and I just can't bring myself to soak 'em up with gas. One kitty walks
right up to me and does cute little walk around my legs - so I decide to keep him and I take him home.
Meanwhile, back at the Convenient Mart, a Humane Society van is getting gas. They're accompanied by a couple of
cop cars.
"What's up?" The attendant asks.
"Some guy has been torturing little kitties in a house up the street. We found the house with 125 dead kittens,
but the owner is gone. We're checking out the area to see if he comes back."
Just then, I walk by with the kitty.
.
"That's him!" The attendant screams. "He got gas to burn kitties ALIVE! GET 'EM!!!"
"That's him!" The Humane Society guy screams to the cops while pointing in my direction.
The cop cars turn toward me at the same time and they both hit a car coming in to get gas.
Meanwhile I run away and duck into an apartment building that I don't live in. Then I duck out the back door and
go home.
All the excitement had me all excited because I thought it was a drug bust and as a result I ended up with some
nasty gas. So I took some Antacids. I really liked that crazy chalky taste, so I kept snacking on them while I
watched T.V. Before I knew it, I had eaten the whole bottle.
I liked them so much I went to the store and bought another bottle and ate it while I watched the late show.
The next morning, I was super-constipated because of all them antacids. But I really had to take a dump. But I
just couldn't go!
So I sat on the toilet and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed.
Still, nothing happened!
So I started timed breathing like the ladies do when they is giving birth. Then after ½ an hour, I gave
it one big giant push. My face turned red and I got real dizzy, and dropped face down on the floor. Just like Elvis.
Lucky for me I woke up.
I could feel the sweet satisfaction of fecal release. But when I looked in the toilet, nothing was there! I looked
on the floor.
Still nothing!
I looked down and saw my scrotum was three times its normal size. I touched it only to realize it was filled with
my feces. Apparently I pushed so hard that I bursted some anal pipe and it redirected into a scrotum canal, and
preceded to fill up my scrotum with shit!
So I scream to my wife for help, and she helps me to the car and drives me to the hospital.
On the way, we drive by the house with 125 dead kitties and the police are dragging the Convenient attendant out
of the house in handcuffs.
Damn.
NEXT WEEK: Just how long does it take for
ketchup to go bad?
Email Bob
webmaster@weirdcrap.every1.net
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